One Week at a Time
by Luv2write4u13
Summary: After a few minutes with Tommy, Lil does something that she slightly regrets. It hurts to tell your best friend that you're pregnant by her boyfriend.
1. Chapter 1

She walked inside of the humid bathroom and closed the door, wiping her eyes with the sleeve of her shirt before she reached for the lock. The mirrors were already clouded up with steam, fore she had left the shower running before she removed the bloodstained sheets from her bed and set them in the washing machine. Her thoughts were speeding in a frenzy throughout her mind as she slowly stripped naked. The room was getting hotter and hotter as she stared at herself in the mirror. Her eyes slowly observed her body. With her finger she traced a stain on her thigh, and slowly her face broke into a menacing smile. She had deserved it. After dressing like a ho she had asked for it. She had spent months flirting with him. She had been begging for her best friend's boyfriend to rape her.

Tears steadily flowed from her eyes as she stepped inside of her shower. She had turned the water on for at hot as she could stand it, and it was burning her sensitive skin. She needed to cleanse herself. She needed to forget about what had just happened to her in her home; in her bed. Her window had been open and as he lied on top of her the wind had blew onto her skin, adding a chilling effect to what would have been a passionate sex scene in a movie if she had wanted it. She couldn't deny how she had physically felt. Her body had been betraying her in ways that would've shocked those who heard about it. She cried out "no", but because she wasn't fighting back he felt like he could keep going. He didn't think he was doing anything wrong. After all, she had invited him to her house. She was the one who told him that her parents weren't home and that her brother had fallen asleep after his basketball game.

"_Do you like that?"_ He had asked her when he planted a kiss onto her lips. She had nodded that she did, and then she leaned in for another one. When he scooted his hand onto her thigh she had giggled childishly, broke the kiss, and then smiled at him. They teased each other continuously, kissing and then breaking the kiss, until enough was enough and he pushed her back. Still, Lil felt like everything was going her way. In fact she had been planning for all of that to happen. That was until her cell phone began ringing. When she reached for it she saw that Kimi was calling her, then she looked at Tommy and showed him who it was. He took her phone from her hand, and dropped in on the side of her bed before jumping her bones. That's when she began having second thoughts.

By that time her shirt was across her bedroom and Tommy seemed to be in some kind of trance. She couldn't deny her attraction to him. He was doing everything right. He was touching her in the right places; saying the right things at the right time. However, what she was doing couldn't have been right. It was against everything she was raised to believe. She was being immoral. She had never been the kind of girl that messed around with guys like that. Then suddenly she was losing her virginity to a guy who her friend was absolutely in love with.

Someone sped by her window blasting "S-E-X," by Lyfe Jennings, and it felt like another bad omen. She felt she needed to try harder to get him off of her. Her phone was vibrating against her wooden bedroom floor and she knew that it was Kimi. It was unbelievable how much Tommy was feeling her. He had obviously felt the way she had been feeling for a long time. Lil didn't want to sleep with him though, so she kept telling him to get off. He wasn't listening.

Now she was in the shower. Her skin was turning red because it was so hot. She wasn't sure if it was the tears that were on her face, or if the shower droplets were splashing around. Lil wasn't sure how she was feeling. There was definitely some guilt and anger, but she felt like she was as much responsible as Tommy was. Once he was finished he tried to talk to Lil, but she reached for her blankets and turned over to face the wall. She wanted him to leave. She _needed_ him to leave. She didn't want to see him again. She didn't know what she was going to tell Kimi. She hated lying to someone that she adored so much. She had always admired her self-proclaimed "sister", one that she considered a best friend. How could she even reveal what had happened between them?

In just a few minutes everything had changed. Why did Kimi have to call her? Then she would've told Tommy to keep going, and she wouldn't be feeling so lost. She was sure that he had raped her because she had told him to stop, but she wasn't sure she was angry about it because of the way it made her feel. She was only hurt about betraying Kimi. She didn't want Kimi to know about what happened. She didn't want anyone to know about what happened.

Lil brought her arm to her mouth and bit herself. She wanted to cry out in pain. She wanted to scream and feel something. She should've told Tommy to keep it between them. He'll probably go bragging to Chuckie, and then Chuckie will spread it to Phil before he told his sister. By the end of the upcoming week it will be going around that the two of them had slept together. No one will know that she was raped. She will look like a slut because she was the one who had invited him over when no one could walk in on them. Kimi will find out that while she was calling her friend, her "friend" was fucking her boyfriend.

_That's not how it happened._

She had told Tommy to stop. She had told him more than once that they shouldn't go too far. He laughed and told her she was amazing. He complimented her on her personality and told her that she was beautiful. He made her feel like putty in his hands. Every time she revealed her worries he would say something to sooth her mind. _Has anyone ever done this to you before? No? I don't believe it. Well I know other people tried to. _The only thing else she needed him to say was that he loved her.

Lil wasn't sure on where she stood. She felt guilty, but she felt like Kimi deserved it. Kimi knew how Lil felt about Tommy before she decided that she liked Tommy too.

Lil reached for the water faucet and turned it off. She couldn't feel bad anymore. Kimi was the one who had betrayed her in the first place. After stepping out of the shower Lil grabbed her dry towel from the closed toilet seat and wrapped it around her body. Her skin was freezing when she exited the bathroom. _I have something to do, _Lil thought, excusing herself for leaving her clothes on the floor. She walked into her bedroom and got on her bed, holding her towel up while she reached over the side of her bed for her cell phone.

_Revenge's a bitch_

With a satisfied smirk on her face Lil sent the text message to her best friend immediately, anonymously of course.


	2. Chapter 2

Back in school Kimi naively refused to notice the thoughtful glances her boyfriend passed her best friend as she showed him the text message she had received that weekend. She didn't understand what it had meant so she was asking for his opinion. However Tommy was uninterested. Just like any boyfriend would, he had his arm wrapped around his girlfriend's shoulder at the lunch table, but his mind wasn't on anything she was saying. He was thinking back to Saturday afternoon…and Lil. The soft touch of her skin; how easily she accepted him for who he was. Her intentions for inviting him over were obvious, and he couldn't wait to do it again.

Now, sitting there, Kimi wasn't as appealing as she was at that time the week before. He used to live on her every word, but the relationship wasn't as exciting as it used to be. Kimi kept her morals in mind, and nothing about the relationship was moving anymore. For the last few months they had been staying at the same spot. It was like driving and being stopped by a red light. Time was passing by, but until it was green you weren't supposed to be going anywhere. Meanwhile Lil and the bored look on her face as she avoided the couple made him want to grab her hand and run with her outside of the school. They could just run away, anywhere, and do anything they desired.

"You aren't even listening to me, are you? What's on your mind?" Kimi's lighthearted and concerned voice annoyed Tommy while she tried her hardest to let him know that she cared. She was unaware of there lingering feelings Tommy had, and she thought that he felt like she was feeling. She didn't know that even if Tommy could tell her what happened, he didn't want to. The four pages of love letters she stuck in his locker daily only made him feel smothered. They wound up in the trashcan with the rest of the letters the boyfriends in the relationships didn't want to read.

"I have something to do after school," he replied. He looked over at Lil to see if she was looking at him, but she suddenly stood up and walked away. So that Kimi wouldn't get suspicious, Tommy kissed her softly on the lips. Ironically Lil turned around to see them. Her body felt _used_ and _dirty_. He still loved his girlfriend. He would never leave her for Lil. The young girl, who had thought about walking back to interrupt their smooch fest, decided to leave to go do her homework in the library. It sounded corny, but she needed to get her mind off of _every_thing. One moment she felt so powerful, and now she was feeling vulnerable. Feeling…all of these emotions. She hated what was happening to her.

Finally the agonizing school day was over and Lil reveled in the secret that she wouldn't be going to school while her parents went out of town. Betty and Howard, who were celebrating a belated anniversary, were leaving that evening for Costa Rica and coming back on Sunday. The trip would give Lil plenty of time to recuperate from the events that had just happened, and she only hoped Phil would go along with the plan or ignore it all together. She had a feeling that he would.

Her neighborhood was in view when a car slowed down on the side of her. Without looking, she mentally predicted who it was trying to capture her attention. The sizzling touch of Tommy's fingers was engraved into her memory, and the image brought a smile steadily to her lips. Guessing that Kimi was at dance team practice, safely she walked on the passenger side and slipping into Tommy's car. He didn't even have to say anything to her. Lil put her hands between Tommy's legs as he drove to his house. Kimi may be his main squeeze, but it didn't hurt for Lil to give him everything she wasn't.

* * *

The thought of lying under the covers in Tommy's bedroom naked while his mother fixed dinner in the kitchen just rooms away excited Lil to the point that she was ready to go at it again, and it made her happy that Tommy agreed. Within minutes the deed was done, and Lil fought the drowsiness. She wanted to talk. She wondered how Tommy was feeling. She wondered if he was thinking about his girlfriend…Kimi. She just wanted to ask him something, but she didn't know how to go about it.

Tommy took a few breaths before gathering his clothes to get redressed. Unremorsefully he tossed his legs on the side of his bed and got up, to Lil's dismay. He didn't say anything to her, and once he was fully clothed he left the room as if she weren't there. _What is going through that boy's head?_ Lil wondered without making a move to follow him. _We have sex and then everything is over. No words are exchanged except for doing the lovemaking, and he can't even give me a thank you._ She thought of her reaction if he did say thanks. He would bring his head to his head and with a calm demeanor he would stammer. _"Oh yeah Lil, it's time for you to go home now, but don't feel bad. The sex was great, so uh…thanks. I'll give in a good word to my friends."_

Her heart raced when Tommy walked back inside. He looked over at her in his bed and a look of surprise came over his face. "Y-you're still here?" The surprise then turned into anger. "You're not even dressed."

Lil didn't care to hide her confusion. She was getting pissed at everything he said. The silence had been warm, but now she was feeling really icy. "What do you mean I'm still here? I'm not supposed to be."

"Kimi's coming over right after dance practice. I'll drop you off at home. We were just working on homework—you and me. My mom asked me to ask if you wanted to stay for dinner."

"I do—"

"You need to go home," he told her firmly.

Raging emotions from sadness to anger overwhelmed Lil and tears welled into her mind. Her chest tightened as she fought back the urge to cry. _Why is he acting like this? What did I do?_ "Yeah, you're right. I need to go home." As if they hadn't just had sex, Tommy left the room to give Lil enough time to get dressed. He had just felt every part of her body unclothed, but both felt uncomfortable for him to watch her get dressed. Stress made Lil try to hardest to quickly get dressed, but she wasn't careful and fell with a loud thud as she struggled to pull her pants up. Tommy burst back in his room, saw Lil sitting on the floor, and smirked while she blushed. She tugged at her jeans while her shirt uncovered her stomach.

"What's so funny?" she asked him. Tommy fully entered the room and cautiously closed the door.

"You," he said. He lent her a hand so that she could stand up. "You act like you've never put on your clothes before."

"I'm trying to hurry up."

"You're in a rush? Why?"

Lil rolled her eyes. "You're rushing me," she replied. Now that she was standing again, with ease she pulled up her pants. "Besides, I need to be home before my parents leave anyway."

Tommy's ears perked up. "Phil did say they were going out of town."

Lil nodded. "They're leaving tomorrow, which means I'm doing the hell I want for the next few days."

"This can continue tomorrow then?"

_No! I won't let you use me again. You can't come over my house and we won't do anything. We're just friends, and we don't even need to be that close. _Yet, Lil felt her body betraying everything she wanted to say.

"Sure," she smiled. "Tomorrow I can kick you out of my house."

* * *

**Author's Note: I don't know where I'm going with this. I wanted to get more in depth with this chapter, but I don't have time to keep adding more and I really wanted to get this posted for you guys. Next time I'll do a much better job. Lil…in this story she's a really mixed up person. She doesn't really know what she wants, how she feels, and she's just being really dramatic in the first chapter. BTW, Tommy did not really rape her, but like I said, she was being dramatic and at that time she thought of it that way to make her feel less guilty. I didn't have time to edit this one so please excuse any grammar and spelling erors.**


	3. Chapter 3

Playing house while her parents were away was a lot more fun when you didn't have to pretend to do things like you did when you were a little kid. As you grew older you finally could kiss on the lips, fix real breakfast, and actually wear sexy clothes to turn your partner on. Lil found that every time Tommy came to her house when no one else was there, something new always happened. To stop herself from feeling guilty, she told herself that she was preparing for the married life. In fact, she was convinced that somehow Tommy would be her husband. It didn't matter that every time Tommy left her house she knew he was going to see his girlfriend. Being with him made her feel special.

Saturday night Tommy wound up coming to her house twice. In the afternoon he came over because Phil invited him to talk about whatever boys talked about. Lil hid her surprise, fore she first thought that Tommy had came over for her, but immediately Phil popped up from behind her and the boys disappeared. Lil was tense, but she walked into the kitchen to fix steak and French fries, her and Phil's dinner. Once the food was finished Lil called the boys to eat, but Tommy had to leave to go to the store for his mom…or at least that's what he said. Lil took it upon herself to walk him to the door and was glad that she did.

"_I'll be back here later on so answer the door."_

"_What about Phil?" Lil asked him._

"_You don't have to worry about him."_

Time wore on, and Lil's heart pounded frantically. Phil didn't look as if he had any plans on going out or whatever, and she knew that if he knew Tommy was coming over some drama would be going down. Anxiously she watched the clock, wondering if Tommy was just fucking with her mind in the first place. He couldn't be. He just couldn't be. These last few days made her truly feel dependent on him. She was lusting after him, planning their wedding and everything.

"Lil, chill out for a little bit. What's wrong with you?" Phil asked at around nine, but before she could answer the phone rung. Without saying anything to her he stood up and walked over to answer it. Obviously it was for him, and within the next hour Phil was gone and Tommy was crawling through Lil's bedroom window.

Lil giggled as he struggled to pull his body through. "You know Phil's not here right?" she asked him. He was trying to hard to get in that Lil eventually helped tug on his hands and he crashed onto her bed underneath. Tommy stretched his body out on her bed and purposely wrinkled her blankets.

"Yeah, I helped set it up," Tommy said.

Lil grinned mischievously. "You're such a bad boy. Why did you go through the window then?"

"It's practice for when we do this and somebody's actually here. We could be quieter."

"Yeah well…it's always fun knowing you can get caught too," Lil replied, sitting down on her bed. Tommy reached for her hand and without much of a fight she lied down next to him. Teasingly she brought one of her legs over both of Tommy's and sort of rolled on to her side to give him a hint, but then she abruptly pulled it away.

"Hey!" Tommy exclaimed.

"You need to earn it tonight," Lil informed him. She sat back up and got off of her bed. "I want you to do my homework."

Tommy raised an eyebrow and coyly Lil smiled.

"I'm just playing. I want you as bad as you want me." She winked at him and used her fingers to motion for him to come to her. As he slowly stood up Lil began doing a seductive dance, a technique she had read about in _Cosmopolitan_ and performed a little strip tease.

"Expert?" he asked playfully.

"You tell me," she responded, and tossed her shirt at him in response. "Now pretend I'm your favorite food and _eat me up_."

* * *

That night Lil felt an unusually wave of satisfaction as she watched Tommy get dressed while she clutched the blankets to her chest to cover her nude body. Something about that night confirmed something in her mind. Honestly, being with Tommy was so gratifying that she didn't care who she was hurting anymore. She could see herself bragging to Kimi the next day about bedding her boyfriend, because eventually he would be convinced that Kimi wasn't the right girl for him. She was too much of an overachiever. She had to be the best at everything, but she couldn't even see her own boyfriend was falling out of love with her. Maybe Tommy never really loved her in the first place.

Lil and Tommy's nightly rendezvous regularly worked their way into both the two's schedules, and instead of Tommy "sneaking" through the bedroom window every night he would just pick Lil up and they would go somewhere privately. Having sex in the car was degrading, but not as bad as Lil thought it would be. They did it on elementary school playgrounds, park benches, in lakes; just anywhere to get some type of buzz. Friday nights Tommy would take Kimi to the movies, and then very early Friday mornings he and Lil would go to parties where they didn't know anyone. Lil changed from a shy and insecure girl into a confident woman almost overnight, and she researched everything about sex in order to lure Tommy in and keep him interested. She was sure they were beyond friends with benefits because there was emotions involved, yet Lil didn't pressure him into dumping his girlfriend. Knowing that he had one and still wanted to screw her only boosted her confidence, and she now didn't know how she would feel without being the "mistress."

One night they were in Tommy's parents' bedroom and Tommy was getting dressed while Lil was fighting the urge to doze off. She clutched the covers to her chest and panted, exhausted from her workout that was keeping her in shape. For a while she had wanted to ask Tommy something, but she quickly picked up on the fact that Tommy didn't like talking much after doing the deed. Finally she realized she needed to know this. "Tommy, I wanna ask you something."

"Alright, but I need to get you home before my parents come back," Tommy told her. Slowly Lil got out of the bed and yawned. Her clothes had landed on various spots in the bedroom, and after Tommy got his pants on he helped her gather them up.

"Am I the only girl you slept with?" she asked him.

"You mean did I lose my virginity to you?"

Lil shrugged. "That's not really what I was asking, but that makes sense too I guess."

"Does it matter?"

Tommy tossed Lil her bra and as she turned her back to him she clipped it on. "I just want to know," she replied, wanting to know how deep their bond was.

"No."

"No?" Lil asked. She looked over her shoulder at him. "Seriously?" In health class while learning about STDs/STIs Lil had been so sure that Tommy had been clean. She didn't know why she was so quick to make the assumption, but now she wondered if maybe she could've caught something from him. Subconsciously she shook her head, because if he had something he'd show _some_ kind of symptoms.

"Since we've been fooling around it's just been you, but last summer…" he shook his head at the memory, a faint smile crossing his lips. "…last summer was _crazy_ as _hell_."

"How long have you been cheating on Kimi then?" Lil asked him.

Nonchalantly Tommy shrugged. "I don't know…probably last year when she spent that semester in France or something. It doesn't matter."

"It doesn't matter? Tommy, you're such an asshole."

"I'm _her_ boyfriend, not yours. Why does it matter?"

"I thought I was your first. I might have something."

"You don't have anything. If you do you didn't get it from me."

"How do you know you don't have anything?"

"Listen Lil, if you don't trust me then you can sleep with someone else. I get tested alright. I get tested regularly. Plus you're the only girl I haven't used condoms with. I figured you're smart enough to take care of yourself."

Lil, fully dressed, turned around Tommy with her hands on her hips. She didn't know how to react to what he was saying. "Boy just…whatever. I thought you cared about me." Lil was upset for a little bit, but mostly she just wanted to see how Tommy would console her. Tommy pulled his shirt over his head and then walked to her and reached for her hand.

"You know I care about you. I'm not doing this with just anyone right? We grew up together. We know each other."

Gently Lil pulled his hand and brought it to her lips. "You love me then?" she asked him. Her brown eyes glittered as she waited for him to say something.

Tommy nodded. "Yeah."

He didn't say the words, but Lil didn't mind. She then pulled his hand, lifted her shirt and then pressed it against her stomach. "Good, because I'm four weeks pregnant."


	4. Chapter 4

"You're what?" Tommy's voice was loud. It sounded out of place in the quiet, empty house.

Lil forced another smile although it was wavering. The reaction she had envisioned had been a happy one where he immediately swept her into his arms and proclaimed his love for her. He promised he was going to break up with Kimi and then they would get married and raise their family. Lil was waiting for that response. "I'm pregnant," she repeated uneasily.

Tommy shook his head. He pulled his hands away from her and shook his head before breaking into a smile. "You're just messing with me," he chuckled. Lil looked into his ebony eyes. He was laughing, but in his eyes she could tell he believed her. They were filled with hope; he was praying that she was screwing with him. For him to think that she would joke about something so serious immediately filled her with doubt; would he really be as supportive as she thought?

His smile faded. He believed her. This revelation was so heavy he moved to his parents' messy bed and sat down without thinking about the presents they had left in there. He would wash everything later, after he dropped her off. He just couldn't believe…how could this happen? How could she let this happen? He had trusted her. He had basically put himself on the line just to make her feel good about herself. He was only fooling with her to skyrocket her self-esteem, and she repaid him by pulling some scandalous stunt like this. The more he thought about it, the more he felt himself losing control.

"What the hell is wrong with you?"

Lil's mouth fell and her bottom lip began to quiver. "W-what do you mean?"

"What do I mean?" Tommy was fighting his voice from rising. Dil was just in the other room playing video games with this girl from school and had no clue that Tommy was even awake. "I mean, what the _hell_ is your problem? Are you crazy?"

"This is _my_ fault?"

"Yeah, it is." Abruptly Tommy stood up, confusion clearly sinking in. "Get your stuff. Let's take you home."

"Take me home? Tommy, I just told you—"

"Shut up! Shut up. You really fucked up Lil."

There was nothing else that needed to be said. Lil's eyelids burned as she fought back her tears and her nose began to fill stuffy. She hadn't anticipated this at all. She didn't understand why he was so upset. He wasn't the one who would have to be gaining all the weight, lugging a whole other person around for nine months. Besides, he watched TV. Babies were so precious…angels. If her baby was with her she would be feeling better already. It was as if they had healing powers.

The room was hot. He didn't know if it was because he had just got a nice workout or if it was because he was angry, but Tommy could feel a sweat breaking. He opened the two windows in the bedroom to air everything out before walking out of the door. He was going to tell Dil he was leaving and then get Lil's coat. He didn't need his. The cold air outside would chill him down. _I might run over to Kimi's just for a second to see what she's doing. I could use a glimpse of her face right now. She thinks about things. She doesn't live in some dream world like crazy ass Lil does._

"I can't believe this," Lil whispered aloud to herself when Tommy closed the door. She almost sat down on the bed to shed a few tears while she wasn't being watched, but instead she decided to clear everything off the bed. Maybe if she saved Tommy from a chore he would attempt to understand her situation. She had just loved him too much. She wanted something to deepen their ties to one another. She was pushing them one step closer to the happy family she dreamed of.

There was a pile of soiled sheets on the floor when Tommy returned. Awkwardly Lil stood in the middle of the floor with her arms crossed. The wind coming from the windows sent a chill down her spine and softly she smiled when she retrieved her jacket. "Thanks," she murmured.

He ignored her comment. "Let's go," Tommy replied, already uncomfortable by the tension. All he wanted to do was drop her off at home and never see her again. This whole situation just needed to be settled so that he could work on something else. That taught him to put his life in other people's hands. _Everything_ was ruined because of her. His parents wouldn't trust him, he lost his girlfriend, and even his aspirations might fade. He's supposed to be going to college. He planned on going to law school. _She trapped me. She seduced me and now I'm trapped._ He wanted her out of his sight. The only girl he sleeps with that he doesn't use a condom, the one who owed him the most let him down. He had been doing _her_ a favor, and she took advantage.

Lil waited until they were in the car before she attempted at speaking again. Tommy's mind was racing, the radio was off, and his eyes were glued to the streets. The chilly atmosphere was contrast to the one the lovers were used to. Constantly they were laughing and singing along to whatever they were listening to, bonding and getting closer. It was something that assured Lil things would be okay. Now she realized she was wrong. With that in mind she found herself taking a deep breath before saying, "I thought you loved me."

At first Tommy didn't say anything. Lil almost wasn't sure he had even heard her, but if he hadn't clearly something would've been wrong. Instead he was concocting something to say. "You know who I love? I love my parents. I loved Spike. I'm _in love_ with my girlfriend."

"If you loved _her_ so much you wouldn't be doing this."

"I'm just saving her from having to deal with my hormones. I still love her, but I know she's gonna do what she wants to do and I'm gonna do what I want to do."

"You're selfish then."

"I'm selfish?"

"You're a jerk like I thought." Lil turned her head to look outside and vaguely recognized trees passing. Someone on the street was holding up a sign explaining that they would work for food, while another group of teenagers were walking to an upcoming restaurant. They were two couples and both were holding hands with their significant other. _Why can't that be me?_ Lil wondered.

They sat in silence for the rest of the way. Tommy was lost in his own thoughts while Lil was lost in hers. She had realized that her being pregnant not only ruined Tommy's reputation, but also hers. His girlfriend was supposed to be her best friend. Kimi would probably get rid of them both. Both people who she had known for over fifteen years had betrayed her in the worst possible way. Plus Kimi was a good girl. Everyone loved her. Everyone would take her side. Lil couldn't believe that she had pulled herself into some drama like this.

Although it was only a few minutes, it felt like the drive to Lil's house lasted forever. Betty and Howard's car wasn't in the driveway, but it was apparent that Phil was on the porch when they pulled up. Lil wanted to say one more thing to Tommy about the baby, but as Phil began walking towards the car she decided it would have to wait. He wouldn't think what she was saying was important anyway.

"Ay Man," Tommy said, rolling down his window. Lil reached for the handle on the door, but she waited before getting out.

"Wassup? Where were you two at?" Phil asked. He didn't seem to have any suspicions about what had been going on between his sister and oldest friend. He sounded skeptical, but his tone was also innocent instead of accusatory.

Lil didn't say anything. She wanted it to be obvious that something was wrong so that her brother would ask; then she would tell him everything. Before things got too apprehensive Tommy responded, "We were just hanging."

Phil nodded, and that was when Lil finally opened the door. Quickly without saying anything else she made her way into the house while the two guys just watched. Phil raised an eyebrow and then turned back to Tommy. "What happened?"

With a complete idea of Lil's issue, Tommy shrugged. "She just started acting like that when I told her I was about to pick up Kimi. I don't know what's wrong with her."

Phil looked back at the house door. _You don't think Lil was mad about that, do you?_ he wanted to ask, but came to the conclusion that it wasn't his business. "You have fun then. I'm about to pick up that girl Sheila and then go to this house party."

"Cheerleader Sheila?"

Phil nodded.

"I'm impressed." Tommy sat his foot on the break before putting the car into reverse. "I'm out. Tell Lil I said peace." As Phil waved Tommy pulled into the street, but before he drove off he peaked in the direction of Lil's bedroom and saw her staring out. He smirked at her, but his grin disappeared when she flipped him the bird. _I almost wish I didn't hate her right now. The makeup sex would be awesome._


	5. Chapter 5

The days following Lil's announcement to Tommy went by slowly, each second more agonizing than the next. The young, pregnant teenager tried spending her time alone studying, but concentrating was almost like asking her to lick her elbow; impossible. How could she have so easily gotten caught up with him? And now that she knew his reaction, what would she do next? She was embarrassed and hurt; a day couldn't pass without her shedding a tear. Tommy was consistently on her mind, whether she was trying to convince herself that she hated him, or if she was hoping that he would come around.

Meanwhile, Tommy was also doing the best to occupy his mind from thinking about his current situation. For the first time since he got into this mess, he was overwhelmed with pains of guilt. He spent whatever spare money he had on flooding Kimi with gifts: stuffed animals, flowers, and he even went as far as buying her a new pair of earrings. Mostly he was thinking about how he could cover his ass. He'd just deny Lil's baby. She cared for him too much to bring him down; a paternity test would be out of the question. If she was lucky, she could pin the baby on some other dude she had sex with. Then again, the two of them had been spending a lot of time together when they were fooling around…she didn't have time for any other guys. There was no doubt in Tommy's mind that he was the father…which means she was completely faithful to their…partnership.

Initially when Tommy found out he was going to be a father, he was pissed. He felt betrayed and used; Lil was supposed to be his friend. She couldn't possibly have let this happen when it could have been prevented. Plus, she always appeared so much smarter than that. Her reputation was clean at school; she got good grades and truly looked like she was doing something with her life. Tommy just needed to get rid of her immediately; he went as far as wishing she could disappear from his life. Period. He was hoping that after her parents found out she was pregnant they would send her away until she had the baby. They'd leave the baby wherever, Lil would come back, and things would just be different.

However, once Tommy began thinking about it, he realized he owed it to Lil to take responsibility for his part. The bottom line: he was the bad guy. He had a good girl and a chick on the side; it was only a matter of time before something bit him in the ass. Birth control goes both ways; he should have used a condom. He always carried them, promoted them and everything, but when it boiled down to it, he was just dumb. So he blamed her; the good girl. All she was trying to do was make him happy; he noticed how hard she tried to please him each time he saw her. She'd risked her everything too…and they got into this mess together. He couldn't leave her to clean it up alone.

"Shit," Tommy muttered, sitting up in his bed and stretching his arms. "I'm a fucking idiot."

He glanced out of the window; it was dark outside. He had spent that Sunday alone; his parents were out of town again, Dil had stayed at a friend's house, and Kimi went to some leadership seminar that lasted most of the day. A majority of the day passed with him sleeping. He'd wake up, think, and then force himself back to sleep. Maybe if he slept long enough, he wouldn't wake up until all of this was straightened out. If karma was _really _on his side, which so far it didn't appear that way, a time machine would all of a sudden turn up, and he could change the past.

Out of the corner of his eye, Tommy saw his cell phone light up from its spot on the dresser. Since he had gotten in the habit of turning his phone on silent before dozing off, he always prepared himself to be ready for a list of missed calls and voicemails. Lazily he stood up, yawned again, and reached for his phone as he left his bedroom. He had a couple of texts from Kimi, including a funny picture that made him laugh. After replying, he glanced at his missed calls, and noticed a number he didn't recognize. Thinking nothing of it, he dialed "1" to call his voicemail.

The latest message happened just a few minutes ago when he was still thinking. First all he heard was silence and a few whimpers, and then vaguely he recognized the girl's voice. It was Lil. "Hey Tommy…" pause, "I know you don't want to talk to me or see me, and I understand…I'm sorry for this…for us being where we are now. I don't want to cause you anymore pain, and I've been thinking about just…I don't know how to say this." She stopped for a moment and took a deep breath, her voice lowering as she forced out, "I made an appointment about the baby, hopefully before it's too late. No one will know anything about…us."

Beep.


	6. Chapter 6

The overcast skies seemed to match the mood of Lil's insides as she sat at the bus stop in anticipation. The winds were softly blowing; the humidity affected the strands of Lil's dark hair as she touched the frizzy ends with her fingertips. It was darkening earlier than she expected and she silently thanked God for reminding her to bring a jacket. After this, she decided, she would probably get sick. It would be a nice cover for what she really was going to do.

Lil realized that when she started messing with Tommy, she had no idea what she was getting herself into. She had been naïve and forced herself to be something so foreign. She wasn't some sex kitten and she valued her friendship a lot more then what it looked like. Something had really gotten into her…something dark and damaging. Looking back to the beginning when she first called him over she remembered she hadn't been searching for trouble, but something didn't feel right. It didn't take long for her to convince him to come by: "_We're friends. I just want to see you," _she said.

The more time she spent with him, the more special she felt. He was always sweet to her, always showing her a good time. When they went out, he paid. When they stayed in, he was generous. He knew what to say and how to say it. He knew how to touch her and how to reply when she touched him. She loved when he played with her hair. Every time he did it he exaggerated his fascination, making her feel like she said something other people didn't. But really, she was the one being shortchanged. She was praying for a relationship with a guy who was in love with someone else. No matter what, Lil wasn't the one he desired. She was just the one to fulfill certain needs.

She sighed aloud and closed her eyes as she felt her tears buildup. "I need to just stop thinking," she murmured under her breath. "I've been spending so much time crying…I'm finally gonna do something about it."

She knew plenty of girls that had been in love when they were in her situation. A close friend of hers was excited about her pregnancy, despite the guy disappearing afterwards. She wanted the baby because it reminded her of him and later dropped out of school before miscarrying. The devastation caused her to move with her father in another state. Another girl got pregnant, didn't want the baby, but her baby's father did so they got engaged and everything. However, when the baby came out the guy immediately denied it, and the girl was left on her on with a child. Lil refused to get into any of those situations; she had carefully weighed the pros and the cons before getting to this point.

Still, she had given Tommy a chance to change her mind.

She had called him; no reply. She told him…she alluded to the fact that this was going to be the end. She didn't want to kill her baby, in no way should an abortion be a substitution for birth control, but she would rather get this over with if she had to deal with it alone. She chose not to reveal her pregnancy to anyone because she knew that people would be asking questions, and she cared too much for Tommy to damage his reputation even if he did hurt her. She had gotten herself caught up and it was her own fault. She let herself escape reality for a little too long. And now…the life changing decision she was making…would follow her conscience forever.

This is why she was praying he would stop her…

* * *

"Tommy? Are you alright? You look kind of…out of it."

Didi reached across the interior of the car to grab her son's hand as he drove. The two's destination would be the flower shop, where Didi wanted to get some new seeds for her garden; Tommy had offered to drive her since Stu needed to use their car. She was glad to be spending some time with her son, he had seemed so occupied lately, but in the car he was really distant, as if a lot was on his mind. His eyes were fixated onto the road; she noticed how he avoiding looking into her eyes. Things definitely weren't right; she just only hoped he would open up to her.

Tommy flinched at the soft touch of her hand, immediately picturing Lil's face for a second before calming down. He being startled caught his mother off guard and she jumped back, her hand leaving his as if she touched a hot stove. Once he remembered what exactly was going on he apologized. "I just…I just…" his voice trailed off.

Concern controlled the expression on Didi's face and her voice softened more than usual. "Tommy…what's going on with you?"

Usually during moments like this Tommy could reveal what was troubling him:

"_Me and Kimi had a fight and things aren't looking too good."_

"_This girl keeps coming onto me and I like it, but I know it's wrong."_

But nothing was ever as serious as this. Didi knew Lil; Didi loved Lil. Lil was the daughter that Didi never had; she bonded with Lil more often than she did with Kimi. How could he tell his mom that he had taken advantage of her? Plus, even worse was the fact that she was pregnant. Sure Didi knew that Tommy was sexually active, but she had made him promise to _always _be responsible. Situations like this were supposed to be prevented.

"Something just…this morning I woke up with a bad feeling."

The last thing he thought about was Lil's voicemail. He wanted so much to call her, to be there for her, because he heard the desperation in her voice. She was alone…and he was supposed to be holding her hand throughout whatever she was going to do. He had gotten her into this mess, but instead of being a man, he was laying low as if he wasn't apart of the problem. In his stomach was just so much guilt and he wanted to prevent awkwardness. The conversation…they had nothing to talk about anymore.

So he went to sleep with that on his mind, woke up, and nothing changed. For starters, he tossed and turned all night. When he finally decided to stay up, much earlier than he wanted, Lil continued to eat away at his sanity. He'd be lost in thought and suddenly hear a baby crying, turn around, and the sound would vanish. Everything he looked at reminded him of her; of the things they did together.

"Well…do you have a reason to feel like this? Or you just think an accident or something is going to happen?"

Tommy shrugged, not wanting to discuss it. "I just sort of got into some trouble—"

Didi's poise hardened. "What kind of trouble, Tommy?"

A pit formed in the back of his throat. He needed to calm her down, but any thoughts about telling her the truth definitely vanished. "Just some girl trouble, no big deal."

"Tommy, what kind of girl trouble? I've seen you with girl problems, and you're never like this," Didi said. Her eyes were glued to her son, despite the fact that he wasn't looking at her.

"I said it was no big deal. Don't worry about it. I can handle it on my own."

Didi turned away from her son and looked back onto the street. The tension in the car was thick, and she didn't want to pressure her son to tell her what he felt she didn't need to know. She would just trust his judgment; what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her.

All of a sudden, Tommy felt a wave of anxiety overwhelm his body. He looked around and in the distance sitting at the bus stop he spotted a familiar figure. With her elbows on her knees and her head hanging low, Lil sat at the bus stop, empty of all passengers but her. Hoping that his mother didn't see her, Tommy thought of a way to get away, but it was too late. Before he could speed off, Didi gently tapped him.

"Is that Lil? That's Lil! Tommy, what in the world is she doing at the bus stop alone? And that flimsy jacket, the weather is not going to agree with her immune system. We have to pick her up. Pull over." Didi rolled down the window.

Tommy could do nothing but obey if he didn't want her to find anything out. As soon as the car came to a halt Lil looked up, and fear gripped her chest when she saw Tommy's car. Then she looked at Didi. She was a smart woman, and probably knew that something was going on already. Therefore Lil forced a smile. "Hey Mrs. Pickles."

"Hello Lil, how are you doing?" Didi asked.

Lil stood up and walked closer to the car. "I'm fine, just…tired I guess. Stressed about school and stuff."

"I haven't seen you around in a while. You definitely need to come see us soon; sit for dinner or something. Invite Phil too."

Lil nodded. "I will…"

Silence fell, but not for long. "Tommy and I were just off to the florist to I can buy some seeds. I know summer's a long time off, but they're having a decent sale and I wanted to stock up. Where were you off to?"

"Um…" She couldn't tell Didi that she was off to the clinic. Not only would Didi be able to put two and two together, but she would probably try and talk Lil out of her decision. She'd ask a lot of questions, and then potentially would tell Lil's parents. Meanwhile, Tommy was practically sweating in the driver's seat. He wanted to pull off; no—throw Didi out of the window and then leave. "I was just…just wanted to go riding."

"Oh, well you can definitely ride with us—"

Immediately Lil shook her head. "No! Um…I don't want to interrupt anything."

Didi waved her wrist nonchalantly. "No, I insist. Tommy and I weren't talking about anything important. Hop on in. We'll drop you off at home when we're done if you want."

And so Lil got into the car.

And the life of her baby was temporarily spared.


	7. Chapter 7

If she could detect the awkwardness between her son and neighbor, Didi sure hid it well as she cheerfully rambled on and on in the car about anything that floated her boat

If she could detect the awkwardness between her son and neighbor, Didi sure hid it well as she cheerfully rambled on and on in the car about anything that floated her boat. From politics, to the war in Iraq, to teenagers these days, the mother enjoyed sitting in the car with two of her favorite youngsters. In fact, her delight definitely distracted her from noticing the uneasy silence coming from the two of them, or the way they avoided meeting each other's gazes. Although this wasn't a recurrent thing, the three of them riding together, usually more conversation would go on whenever they all were around. However, this time something was different, and yet Didi wasn't alarmed at all.

Despite the circumstances, Lil was happy to get lost in Didi's words because finally she had other things to think of. Every once in a while she would mutter her agreement or add a comment, but mostly she kept to herself and stared out the window. The more she analyzed, the more she found similarities between her and the sky in a sense; they were both holding in what they needed to do…release what they were holding. The clouds had yet to rain; Lil hadn't expressed her feelings to anybody about…her life. What she really anticipated about going to the clinic was having the chance to talk to a counselor; the receptionist on the phone had promised that all patients were given the opportunity to speak to someone before confirming their decision.

Finally they began nearing the flower shop. "Lil, you're not that into flowers, are you?"

Lil didn't hesitate to shake her head. "I can't keep them alive. No matter how much I try, I just can't do it."

Didi laughed and turned her head to the backseat with a smile. "I used to say that when I was your age, but you want to know something weird? As soon as I became a mother, I was able to maintain a garden. Tommy was born, and as demanding as he was, I was able to grow the most beautiful flowers in the neighborhood." With that, she reached for the door handle and exited the car. "You two stay in the car, I'll be only a few minutes."

The two of them watched her go inside the store. Her red hair was seen for a moment behind the closed door before she disappeared, and they both diverted their attention to something else. Tommy fiddled with the keys in the ignition, preserving gas by keeping the car off. There was only so much Lil could do in the backseat, so she sighed and leaned the back of her head against the window. If she stared straight ahead she'd be looking at Tommy, therefore she closed her eyes instead.

Tommy was thinking. Tommy was thinking _hard_. There was no way she was really at the bus stop about to go have an abortion…that wasn't the kind of girl Lil was. She couldn't be that desperate. Then again, he wasn't supposed to be the type of guy that got girls pregnant and then left them to fend for themselves. In fact, he wasn't supposed to be a user, a cheater, or a teenage dad. He was supposed to be the overachieving older brother; the athlete and academic king. His family should've been the typical suburban household, eating dinner together at the table every night. The kids weren't supposed to be having sex in their parents' bed.

Finally, his mouth, mind, and heart connected. He had to ask her.

"Were you really gonna do it?"

With her eyes closed, Lil's hearing was more alert, and if she wasn't mistaken, Tommy sounded a little concerned. She opened her eyes and saw that he was staring straight ahead out of the front window instead of at her. She sighed again. "I don't know…I think so."

This was what Tommy hated about Lil, her indecisiveness and her inability to speak her mind. "How can you 'not know'?" He tried shielding his irritation, but Lil picked up on it.

"I don't see why you're asking anyway. You don't really care."

"What do you mean I don't care?" Tommy asked her. He turned around and met her eyes. "It's my baby too."

A burden off of Lil seemed to disappear as Tommy said the words of his last sentence. It finally sounded like maybe…just maybe he was willing to take responsibility for his actions. Her heart made her want to smile, but she wasn't fond of the way he was talking to her. If he felt like he could speak to her any kind of way, if they raised a child together he wouldn't respect her views. _Stop getting ahead of yourself, Lil. _

"Your child? When did _my_ baby become '_yours too'_? Last time I checked, I got pregnant by somebody else according to you."

Tommy nodded, lowered his eyes, and nervously licked his lips. "You're right," he muttered, turning his head. "You're right…I did say that."

Silence fell over the car as Didi appeared in front of the door of the flower shop, before disappearing with a lady following her to another part of the store.

"Listen Lil…I been thinking…and you shouldn't be doing this alone. You're message…I don't know why I didn't call you right after I listened to it. I guess I just been in…denial."

"I wish I could live in denial," Lil replied, trying so hard to keep herself from getting worked up. She wanted to scream; to hit him for what he put her through. Him admitting his fault was satisfying—to a certain extent. He would never have to suffer like she would. "Even if I _could_ forget, throwing up my breakfast on the way to school every day would remind me that in just a few months I could be somebody's mama."

Tommy was speechless. _How do you reply to that?_

"I didn't want an abortion…I just don't know how to deal. At all…I'm barely getting through this. I don't want kids right now, but I keep thinking it's too late. My conscience can't handle an abortion. Plus God…he'll consider this murder. But I guess I shouldn't be having sex out of marriage anyway."

"I'm just…I'm here for you. This isn't just your problem anymore."

This time their eyes met and Lil forced a smile. "Good…"

Thankful for her apparent forgiveness, Tommy continued, "Whatever you want to do…we can get together and talk. If you want to go through with the abortion, do an adoption or keep the baby…it's all up to you."

For a brief second, Lil thought up the ideal situation. Keeping the baby and raising it with Tommy, things would be perfect if he left Kimi for her. They could get their own little apartment together, fix up a room for the baby, and hang out with other teenage parents. Maybe if they spent more time together, Tommy could grow to love her like he loved Kimi. If they were lucky, they could get their parents to help baby-sit while they worked and went out on dates with each other as if they were already married. Tommy would propose, they could have a big marriage, and their baby could be in the wedding. It would be a fairy tale ending for a sucky situation.

But if Lil knew anything, it was that happy endings didn't exist.

Sure, Tommy could make things sound like they would turn out okay, but he had always been a charismatic speaker. His words were what got Lil caught up and tangled between the sheets of his bed in the first place. Plus being in the car stuck together waiting for his mother left him having to say something; he couldn't just ignore her when she's right in his face.

Her reality: she'd be lucky if Tommy talked to her the next day.


	8. Chapter 8

"Seven weeks pregnant," Lil murmured to herself, standing in front of her full length mirror with her shirt pulled up so she could see her stomach

"Seven weeks pregnant," Lil murmured to herself, standing in front of her full length mirror with her shirt pulled up so she could see her stomach. It was still flat; no signs of anything changing in her body. She held her breath and stuck out her tummy so that it would look like she was bigger and then rubbed it affectionately. _I could be a pretty pregnant girl, _she thought and smiled. _Save up my money to get some nice maternity clothes and my baby could come out in style._

Of course, she knew she had to think realistically, and she forced herself out of her dream. Tugging her shirt down, she walked away from her mirror and looked at her journal sitting on her dresser. For as long as she remembered, she always documented the daily outcome of her life, often looking back on her entries to see how much she's grown mentally. Earlier that Tuesday morning, after her usual bathroom ritual of throwing up and showering, she had written about how much Tommy cooperated after a week of their "reunion." Things were still sort of weird; Lil had even started avoiding Kimi like she had a plague. She just couldn't bring herself to look at her best friend anymore without feeling ashamed about everything that she brought upon her. When Kimi would reach out to her, Lil made up excuses, apologized, or just would be completely rude. Hopefully by pushing Kimi away, whenever Lil's situation did come out, Kimi wouldn't have a reason to really interact with Lil. That was the guilt would barely hurt.

Then there was Tommy. The first few days of the week, he consistently would do nice gestures that made Lil feel nice. Whether it was an encouraging note in her locker, or deciding to buy her lunch, him being around helped Lil relax. Then the week progressed and his presence slowly disappeared. Occasionally he would pop up and hound her about making another doctor's appointment. He wanted her to bring him to the appointment so they could get advice from the doctor about what they should do. Although he said whatever happened was Lil's decision, she knew he'd try to manipulate her into going his way.

"Lil! Lil, come on, let's go!"

Phil's voice calling from the other side of her door caused her to jump and then she smiled because of her reaction. He was standing at the front door with his car keys grasped in his hand. They had plenty of time to make it to school without being tardy, but mentally the night before he made plans to stop and pick up some breakfast for a change. Besides, he wanted to use the extra time to catch up with his sister; they were usually so close, but it seemed like they hadn't _talked_ in such a long time.

Hearing the sound of Lil's footsteps coming down the hall stopped Phil from calling her name again. When she appeared in the doorway wearing a hoodie and jeans, she scanned the kitchen before asking, "Mom left early again?"

Phil nodded. Whenever Howard was out on a business trip, Betty couldn't stand being in the house much. Although their relationship was definitely strained, any time the couple was together they always found something to fight about, the love between them kept them from calling it quits. "You know it."

Lil sighed. _Things around here are just…wow._ A quick scan of the microwave caused Lil to notice the time and she raised an eyebrow. "Why are we leaving so early?"

"So we can get some food for the road," Phil said and then smirked. "Come on and I'll treat you."

Lil smiled and followed her brother through the garage and into his car. Although Phil got his license only a few days after his birthday, Lil hadn't followed suit, desiring to remain a passenger until she turned eighteen years old. Minutes later they were headed out the driveway and towards Burger King, a fast food franchise Lil had been secretly craving since she found out she was with child. She wondered if perhaps her twin was experiencing the same appetite she was and just didn't know it.

"You weren't gonna ask me what I wanted?" Lil asked him, playfully.

"What? You want something else?" Phil questioned, not detecting the teasing tone of her voice.

His sister shook her head. "It's okay; I was just messing with you. Low key, my mouth is watering already because I'm thinking about some French toast sticks." She looked down at her stomach while Phil concentrated on the road, fighting the urge to rub her stomach.

"Yeah, me too."

The two got quiet, both racking their brains for something to talk about, until too much time passed and Phil reached to turn up the radio. Then, as if he second guessed himself, he turned it back down and sighed. "What you been up to, sis?"

"Umm…nothing really. Just hanging out; you know how it is."

"We ain't been talking like we used to," Phil commented. He felt guilty for not being around his twin like he would, but once school started back up he just got busy with sports and girls…although that was no excuse. Now, even if he wanted to speak to his sister, things didn't feel natural. He might as well been conversing with a stranger.

"Yeah I know, but it's like whatever now. No big deal."

"Man, I just keep thinking…we're supposed to be best friends. I'm not trying to sound all sensitive and bitchy like a chick, but Mom and Dad already have our heads fucked up. I been having a lot on my mind, and can't even talk to anybody about it. I know you know how I feel."

Lil nodded. There was a lot she wanted to tell her brother, starting with that one afternoon in February when all her troubles began. She wanted to tell him about how she betrayed her best friend in the worst way, crossed the line with Tommy, and was facing an unplanned pregnancy after getting caught up in those circumstances. How she had tried so hard to please Tommy and make him want her, how she had been convinced he even loved her, only to find out that the love was temporary. It lasted only enough for him to sleep with her and leave. He'd forget about her as soon as he pulled away from her house.

"Yeah…I just…been having problems. Shit happens. It's nothing to be worried about."

Phil laughed. "I know you can hold your own. At least summer's around the corner."

The thought caused Lil to smile. It was the beginning of May, spring break was long gone, and the pressure of school was getting to Lil. She'll be able to isolate herself for awhile, making it much easier to avoid her problems. "Yeah, a break sounds really good about now. You know what? It's just hitting me that _this_ is _almost _the beginning of our senior year. We're gonna be graduating around this time next year."

"Hell yeah. I can't wait."

* * *

Author's Note: I'm sooooo sorry for the long wait, only for the chapter to be quite disappointing. I'm working to progress the story, get some things straightened out, and reach some climaxes! Bare with me!


	9. Chapter 9

By the time the twins made it to school, after eating their breakfast in the car, Lil's mood had escalated into a feeling that's main competition was bliss

By the time the twins made it to school, after eating their breakfast in the car, Lil's mood had escalated into a feeling that's main competition was bliss. She felt invincible that day, as if she could conquer the world. In class she concentrated and participated, often raising her hand to add her opinion on different topics, when usually, especially lately, she'd sit at her desk and silently watch the clock. Lil was always a smart girl, but finally the class was getting more of a piece of who she was. Her teachers were impressed at her day's performance. Even her classmates commented on it.

"Lil, you're in such a good mood. Let me borrow it," one shy girl joked.

One guy even dropped hints about wanting a little of Lil's company. "Yeah, sounds like you understand that stupid book she has us reading; I could use a little help after school one time."

It was an amazing aura that followed Lil through the hallways of her high school. She spoke to everyone she knew, mentally counting the people so that she'd know how popular she was. _Between the people I know, and the people Tommy knows, our baby shower's gonna be packed, _she let herself think.

Her mind was a battlefield. She wanted to be mature about the situation. Lil knew that at this point, if nothing changed, by this time next year she would be a mother. Instead of thinking childish thoughts, wondering about all the cute clothes she would dress her baby in if it turned out to be a girl, she needed to be trying to save of money. She needed to prepare for certain situations like her parents kicking her out, or about Tommy keeping his distance. Therefore she was constantly stopping herself from dreaming. Without dreaming she couldn't get her hopes up. Without dreaming she'd have her guard up because she'd always know what to expect. Yet, dreaming never stopped her from thinking; it just made her thoughts more practical.

And whenever that happened, she only wanted to escape her head even more.

Because the practical thoughts then turned into regrets. Why hadn't she waited until she was married to have sex? Why hadn't she waited to be out of high school? What would've happened if she told Tommy to use a condom? The two of them had been sleeping together for only two months and she was almost two months pregnant; was fate against her? She immediately became a statistic, as if God was punishing her, which she always suspected would happen even before she began falling from grace. Not only had she slept with her best friend's boyfriend, but he was crushing Lil's spirit with his wishy washy ways. Did he or did he not want this baby? Did he want to help her? She suspected that if Lil hadn't been close with his family like she was, he would have nothing else to do with her. In other words, he was stepping up because that was the only thing he _could_ do, not his choice.

Did she truly want a man like that to be the father of her child?

If she let herself keep dreaming, she'd wait for Tommy forever, to fulfill the thoughts of the picture perfect family in her mind. However, if she remained practical, she'd get on her own two feet and provide for herself and her child while she was ahead.

It was at lunch time when Lil's mood changed for the worst.

She took a deep breath and spotted her long-time best friend sitting at their usual lunch table, the back of her head visible to Lil's sight from the angle she stood. Avoidance wasn't the answer; that would just cause Kimi to suspect something was wrong. Plus, eating lunch in the library _had_ to be unhealthy for the baby somehow. Lil tried to radiate confidence as she sat down, but when she got a glimpse of her friend, her heart stopped. Kimi was crying.

This wasn't good.

Her sobs were heavy, her eyes were puffy, and when she spotted Lil she began crying even harder. When Lil had spotted Kimi previously that day, there wasn't a strand of hair anywhere, but now loose strands framed her face. Her sack lunch that she brought was untouched. Lil suspected the worst.

"Kimi, what's wrong?" Lil asked, trying to display as much concern as possible so Kimi wouldn't throw in her face that she hadn't been a good friend lately.

Not a chance. "I'd tell you to get the hell out of here if I wasn't so embarrassed right now," Kimi retorted venomously. She wiped her tear-streaked face with her cotton jacket. "You _belong_ with him. You both have to be the fakest assholes I've ever talked to in my life."

_Did she know? She can't know! _Guilt spread through Lil's interior; she could, in fact, feel her body crumbling. She felt herself anticipating misery. "W-what's going on?" Lil stuttered out, biting her bottom lip as the last word rolled off her tongue. She knew she needed to be stronger about this situation, after all, she knew it would happen sooner or later. Just not this way.

"Don't ask," Kimi fired at her. She took a deep breath and exhaled. This was Kimi when she was upset; harsh. Her words stung. Her deep, dark eyes shot bullets. She was vague, as if it was obvious why she was pissed. She would let a lot slide because she was a sweet person, but once she let her pain build up, she would explode and lash out at _everybody_ that had it coming. It was as if she kept a mental list in the back of her mind. Once, after a bad argument with Susie, she even got in trouble for exchanging words with four of her teachers within two days.

Of course, all of this frustrated Lil. "Why won't you tell me what I did? I can't read your mind."

"I don't see why not!" her companion retorted.

"Well, _I _can't. So _please _enlighten me so we can fix this."

By this time, Kimi's heightened voice had drawn attention to their lunch table. Kimi stood up, then stuck her face in Lil's, challenging her. "I don't know if I even want this to be fixed. You can go to hell at this point. I don't _need _you pretending to care _now _after ignoring me for however long you've been doing it. Fuck that, and fuck you."

Lil was floored. She was relieved, to a certain extent. At one point, she was glad that Kimi didn't know she was pregnant with Tommy's kid. Of course, on the other hand, this burden would remain on her shoulders until she confessed. And if she was experiencing this wrath for ignoring her best friend, then there would definitely be hell to pay when all this got out.

"Is _that _what this is about?" Lil asked. "You're mad at me because I haven't been talking to you?"

"Bingo! Somebody gets an A plus!"

Kids began diverting their attention elsewhere, wishing the confrontation was about something juicer than Kimi's hurt feelings. Lil's eyes shifted from Kimi to the scattering crowd. Where was Tommy when all this was going on?

"Kimi…you don't understand—"

"What's there to understand?" Kimi asked sarcastically. She grabbed her lunch bag and other belongings, wanting to escape her situation immediately.

"I just…I've been going through a lot. I haven't even been wanting to be around people."

"Yeah, whatever Lil. Everybody's been saying how you've been all around Tommy though, so how is _that_ for not wanting to be around people? I haven't even done _anything_ to you, and you call yourself alienating me for whatever reason. That's okay though; have fun being a bitch."

Kimi turned to walk away, but suddenly Lil jumped up and snatched Kimi's arm. _Now _she was upset. "Bitch? Really Kimi? Is that really how you feel? What the fuck is your problem anyway? Are you really just mad because I haven't been around, or is Tommy involved in this too? Because you're _so_ good at speaking your mind, you might as well keep it up."

Mentioning Tommy seemed to hit Kimi in a soft spot. "Don't mention Tommy. He's not even part of my life anymore." And with that Kimi ran off, leaving Lil standing in a puddle of confusion, wondering why things were unraveling the way that they were.


	10. Chapter 10

Lunch ruined Lil's concentration for the day. She wandered the halls with her head hung low, feeling like a crappy person the way Kimi wanted it to be. Her best friend…she hated when things got that way between them. With no hope of talking to Kimi for the next few days, again she felt lost. No girlfriends to gossip with. Nobody, but Tommy to confide in about her unborn child; things weren't looking too hot again.

Luckily, she had a twin brother who expressed his concern first chance he got. He tugged her arm in the crowded hallways and pulled her to a clearer section of the building. "Hey, I heard about what happened at lunch with Kim. You okay?"

Lil nodded. "I mean, you know how she gets."

Phil flashed a charming grin. "Hell yeah, she's on one of those again. Shit…word on the street, she's been going OFF, like real talk. You set her off though. _You_ unleashed the dragon."

"What you mean?"

"She ain't start trippin' until she talked to you. I don't know what happened before then though."

The two-minute bell rang, and the twins decided to go their separate ways to make it in time for class. Lil was confident, and correct, that by the end of the day she'd have a good idea of what was going on with Kimi—what had set her off. Relying mainly on bits and pieces of gossip, once sixth hour rolled around, she had a good gist of the scenario: Kimi and Tommy had an altercation that brought Kimi to tears and she held in her fury until she saw Lil. Then as the day went on, anybody that said something Kimi didn't like was caught in her hurricane of anger. She even got called out of her English class for verbally attacking someone who didn't agree with her statements about a novel they were reading.

"Yeah, she's really going ballistic," someone in front of Lil whispered to the person next to her. "I heard she's skipping this hour to find Tommy. He's gonna _get_ it."

"Hey, what's got her panties in a bunch anyway?" the person asked. "She's usually so cool and just…calm and shit. Why she acting like she just got her period?"

The other person laughed. "Well I heard—"

"Geri and Robin, you can finish your side conversation after detention if that's the route you want to take." The teacher's eyes were on the two disrupting students and they shrunk in their seats, intimidated. "I guess that's a no."

_She's mad at Tommy too…I wonder what he did._

* * *

At last, the school day finally ended. It was as if Lil's tension-filled mind released as the bell rang, like a balloon letting out its air or helium and deflating. She could spend time in her bedroom making plans, or just relaxing. Perhaps she would take a bubble bath before her mother got home. It would be nice to leave her cell phone in her dresser drawer so she didn't have to be bothered by _anybody_. After such an exciting day, she deserved to live in peace.

Usually Lil would hang back a little while her classmates gradually left the school building. Since she either walked, or hitched a ride with somebody, she could take her time instead of getting caught in the crowds rushing to catch the bus. Phil was staying after school for sports, so he definitely wouldn't be her ride, and she wasn't interested in taking a ride with Tommy even if he offered. She'd try and catch up with Chuckie, who she scarcely would see around, and see if he'd spoken with Kimi…in fact, she decided, that was a really good idea. There was no way he couldn't know what was going on; Chuckie and Kimi were the closest pair Lil had ever encountered. Their bond rivaled any that Lil and Kimi, or even Phil, shared.

Since Lil was so used to walking around the school once it was over, at that time she knew the exact spot to find Chuckie before he met up with his girlfriend; at the water fountain by the gym locker rooms. He was stopped over swallowing a drink when Lil approached. "Hey Chuckie," she smiled.

Chuckie stood up straight, turned, and grinned when he laid eyes on his friend. Despite whatever pain Lil had caused Kimi, Chuckie never let that get in the way of how he felt for his old buddies. "Hey Lil, what you doin' over here?"

He was tall with curly red hair and dazzling eyes shielded by his glasses. Although appearing more like a dofus much of his life, he finally blossomed out the summer after junior year. He was going to finish his senior year with a bang; amazing grades and handsome looks. His looks gave him confidence, and he was as charming as could be. Even nominated for prom king, he was in the top two. Him and his girlfriend looked perfect together; he was very good to her as well. Chuckie would never consider taking the relationship route that Tommy made his path.

"Actually, I was looking for you. I'm sure you heard about what happened at lunch."

Chuckie frowned, and picked up his backpack that was at his feet. "Yeah, I did. I'm sorry to hear that. You gotta understand how she's feeling though."

Lil nodded, and the two started walking toward the back of the building where the student parking lot would be found. "I know how she is…but the way she blew up at me…wow. I was shocked. Like…you don't even know what was going on through my head. She said something about Tommy."

"I warned her not to even get with Tommy," Chuckie said. "All this time…I'm telling her that she's too good for him; they're too different. Of course, she wanted to learn the hard way. You know what? We all knew he was messing around. I just think Kimi tried not to care, since he was trying so hard to hide it. She figured it meant he loved her."

_He loved her. Oh yes, Tommy still loved her. At the end of the day, Kimi was the one Tommy imagined lying next to him at night. Lil knew it…it just took her awhile to learn._ "So what happened then?"

Chuckie sighed and looked at her. "She came to me during third hour…like, just burst out crying in class and got a pass to be excused. She got me out of class, we went into my car, and she told me this shit about catching Tommy with some girl in the student parking lot messing around. She didn't know if he'd seen her or not, but that just hit her hard. So she tried to play it off, but she thought back to everything I told her…she deserved better. And was like, fuck it."

Lil's throat tightened. _Another girl? It can't be. He couldn't really be getting down like that. How long had this girl been around? _Her own eyes wanted to well up at the true version of the story; the one she had no doubts about verses everything else she heard that day. "My God, poor Kimi. She was crazy about him."

"I told her I'd drive her home and to ditch the rest of the day, but she wasn't going for that. Then I heard about everything else she been doing today…but he set her off. I'd beat his ass if I wasn't getting all these awards from graduation. I could kill that bastard."

The closer they approached the back glass doors of the building, the more rapidly Lil's heart began to beat. It wasn't until she got a good view, that she realized something was going on out there. There was a crowd gathered around, and she suspected Kimi was involved. "Chuckie…"

She didn't have to say much. Chuckie dropped his back to sprint to the door, and Lil followed close behind him. Throwing themselves out the double doors, they found a brawl initiated between Kimi and a blond haired chick, while Tommy failed miserably at breaking them up. They were near his car. "Go get somebody!" he screamed over and over. "Where the fuck is the security at?!"

The blond girl was trying to cover her face with her arms while Kimi had a fistful of her hair, and was throwing her other fist into her face. With the girl being shoved and plummeted into the car, Kimi was screaming something, but the words were hard to distinguish. _Why wasn't anybody stopping this? _Lil wondered as Chuckie shoved his way through the crowd to yank Kimi away from the girl. In her brother's arms, she held onto the girl's hair, though she had stopped punching and now struggled to kick her. Tommy tried pulling the girl away as well, but Kimi wouldn't let go. "Get off me Chuckie!" Kimi yelled, tears streaming down her face.

"What happened?" Lil hung back, and asked a girl who she knew was a freshman and would be willing to spill every detail. "What grade is old girl in?"

"She's a sophomore. The girl with the dark hair just came outside and caught Randi in the car with Tommy, and just freaked. She started cussing and screaming, and before I knew it she was opening the door, pulling Randi out, and beating her ass. Tommy was trying to calm her down, then he tried to break it up, but nobody would help him. Whenever he got close, the dark haired girl would ask if he wanted some too."

Lil shook her head. She couldn't believe…she was so scared at what was going down. Security finally came around and was able to get Kimi's fingers out of Randi's hair before breaking the crowd up. Then, with Kimi still flailing about manically, the guards assisted Chuckie in taking her inside, obviously so that she could go to the principal's office. Her free hand was dripping with blood; it appeared as though Randi's nose was broken. She was a little scraped and bruised, but other than that, she didn't need any serious assistance.

She hadn't realized she was shaking until she was left alone. _That could have easily been me, _Lil told herself. _If it wasn't for luck and God, that could have me getting my assed whooped. Or maybe I still have mine coming._

The thought motivated Lil to find her brother. They couldn't contain Kimi in that office forever and Lil didn't want to chance being alone. This incident prompted Lil to try her hardest to make sure Kimi didn't know her and Tommy was messing around, and if she did find out, she wanted to make sure that somebody was by her side to prevent winding up like Randi did. Or worse…because now she had a baby to look out for.


	11. Chapter 11

_The agony of being alone, with no one to turn to, ruining things with the one person you trust, was enough to send me to the grave by my own hands. _Sitting in her living room with a notebook in her lap, and the remote control by her side, Kimi found no enjoyment by her 10 day suspension her school's no tolerance for violence policy rewarded her. Channel surfing a majority of the day, she could not believe that she had let herself explode in that manner. She realize by the forth day of her suspension, when she began to calm down, that she had been wrong to react the way she did, but she felt provoked. No one understood the thoughts that went on in her head and the pressure she felt she was under.

_Tommy's called me at least a million times a day since I've been out of school. He's left a bunch of voicemails; every time I heard his voice I would press the delete button. There's nothing he could say to make me feel better. In fact, it should've been his ass I was beating instead of that little ass female. He's the one who owes me the world…_

After she wrote her last lines, Kimi stared long and hard at her words before slamming her notebook closed. Taking a deep breath and swallowing her desire to cry, she stood up and left the room. Her toned, tan legs strode into her bedroom and she glanced at her cell phone sitting on her nightstand. Should she call him back like she wanted to? After all, he was the love of her life. She should at least give him the chance to explain himself. _But I already know what he's going to tell me. "Oh Kimi, you're overreacting," or, "Oh Kimi, she's just my friend. We were just chillin', listenin' to music and smokin' a little bit. You know you hate when I do that, but I needed it to get through the day. I was thinking about you and your feelings." _And she knew that he'd be lying through his teeth. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. He wanted the pretty, smart girlfriend who he could take home to his parents, but since she wouldn't have sex with him, he didn't mind getting it from somebody else. Everybody inside his loop was just being used. For him to betray her…for her to catch him…why couldn't she have just gotten punched in the stomach? It would've healed better instead of being stabbed in the heart.

That was why Kimi felt justified once the fight was over. She didn't regret being suspended; she couldn't regret being suspended. She had to lay down some demonstration so that people knew she wasn't a punk ass bitch. She wasn't gonna let her "boyfriend" and some other girl disrespect her like that; in the student parking lot when everyone knew she was the good girl. She was done playing the fool, and no matter what, Tommy wasn't going to get a second chance.

* * *

Lil was home alone sitting at the island in her kitchen eating a healthy serving of sliced apples and peanut butter when her phone started vibrating against the counter. It was early Saturday morning; Betty was at the grocery store, Phil was getting a new sound system installed in his car, and Howard was expected to be home by nightfall. The girl leaned over the bar stool to easily grab her phone and eyed the caller id: Tommy.

She hesitated.

And picked it up.

She adjusted her voice to the tone she used especially for phone calls with Tommy before speaking. "Hello?"

"Hey baby momma," he replied energetically.

Her heart rate began to speed up the way it did when Tommy was being everything she wanted. She predicted that this would be a good conversation. "Hey…what's going on?"

On the other end, Tommy got silent for a second, as if he was absorbed in something else. When Lil heard an annoying dinging sound in his background, she decided that he was in his car. "You driving?" she asked.

"Um…yeah," Tommy stammered quickly, almost as if he had forgotten he was on the phone. "What you got up for today?"

"Me?"

"Yeah, _you. _I was thinking we could rent some movies or whatever and chill at my house for a little bit. I'm sure your mom won't mind and I could pick you up before I get home. I just got a couple runs to make then I'll be back that way."

Lil was silent, contemplating his suggestion. It was as if she had never told him she was pregnant; he wanted to be with her again. They could relax and talk about _anything_. About the baby, about school, about whatever…because it sounded like they were gonna be alone. Then talking might lead to some type of understanding, or it could lead to something else…which sounded like a bad idea, but tempting enough for Lil to spend the rest of her life wondering what could have happened if she decided to spend the day at home.

"My dad's coming home today…I think we all should be here to see him, you know?"

She was testing him, wanted to see if he'd give up asking, or try and convince her otherwise. As a matter of fact, she was sure her parents would do what they always did when Howard came to town; go out to eat then get a hotel room. They'd leave her and Phil alone for a weekend to fend for themselves, and unless the twins had plans to be together, they'd just hang out with other people. Which meant her being with Tommy probably wouldn't even cross their minds, or even be a concern.

"I guess."

"You guess?"

Tommy laughed. "If that's what you wanna do, I'm not gonna argue with you about it. You never cared about your dad coming home before."

Lil smiled. "What makes you think that?"

"Because you told me."

"I did not," Lil argued playfully.

"You did. But that's cool, I'll just chill by myself tonight."

"So you're not even gonna try and get me to change my mind?"

"I can't make you come if you don't want to."

"But I do wanna come…"

"Then say you want me to come get you."

Lil was silent. She looked around her home; she felt guilty. It was as if she'd be doing herself and her baby a disservice if she went along with him. She needed to move past him for her own good because being around him distracted her; it dragged her into that illusion of if they were really together.

But at that point, Tommy had her wrapped again. She wanted to be his; seize the moment and take advantage of them possibly spending their last night together before they went their separate ways.

"I want you to come get me."


	12. Chapter 12

Patiently Lil sat, perched on the living room sofa with the remote in her hands, constantly looking out the window, waiting for Tommy to pull up her driveway. She was nervous; she couldn't help it. She tried occupying her mind with television, but her scattered thoughts made it hard for her to concentrate, and therefore she only channel surfed. She couldn't believe it. They were finally gonna be spending some alone time after all these weeks and she was confident that things were going to work in her favor. Besides, with the weeks slowly passing, Lil would have to make a decision about whether or not she would birth her baby, or if she would have an abortion. Maybe observing Tommy's actions would help her feel confident enough to make a choice.

Time crept by, and the more the minutes passed, the more her stomach tied into knots. "Are you nervous baby?" Lil whispered, her chin tucked as she made eye contact with her stomach. "Are you nervous like Mommy? We're gonna be with Daddy today." She forced a smile…and waited.

At around four, Phil walked through the door. He went straight into the kitchen before thinking about Lil, and then spotted her on the couch looking like she had something up. "You about to leave?" he asked her.

Lil looked up at him, pondered for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, I'm waiting for Tommy to pick me up."

"Tommy?"

Lil nodded. "Yeah. We been hanging kinda tough lately."

Phil smirked, looked at her, then shook his head.

"Hey! What was that about?" Lil asked. She was hiding a smile, trying to remain serious and unsuspicious.

"Nothing," Phil replied. "Do whatever you want." He opened the refrigerator, pulled out an apple, and then took a bite. "I don't know if I like you two hanging like best friends though. It don't look good."

"Why you say that?"

"Just, when yall were hanging before people were talking about it, saying yall were doing a little bit more than that," Phil informed her. "I let it roll because I know you don't get down like that, but shit, with Kimi going ballistic like she did…I'd be trying to lay low if I was him."

"Well, it ain't like we're about to be all out in public; we're going to his house. _If _that's okay with you."

Her twin brother shrugged. "Lil…I swear, I hope you're not messing around with him. I can't judge you and I can't stop you, but you should know how Tommy is by now, especially since he's been dogging Kimi all this time."

Lil paused. She wanted to stop herself from missing a beat, but whenever Tommy was mentioned in a negative light, it really hit her. What did fooling with him say about her judgment? About her self esteem? Why couldn't she let herself continue to _hate_ him like he deserved? She took a deep breath. "You know what, Phil? You're reading too much into this. There's nothing between me and Tommy; we're just friends."

And with that, she let her brother watch her walk away.

Because that's really all her and Tommy was.

Just with a baby on the way.

* * *

By the time Tommy arrived at the Deville home, dusk had fallen and Phil had left again. Lil wouldn't say there was tension before he had finally left, but things were definitely awkward. It was as if they both were fighting from saying things that needed to be said, and therefore, Lil was relieved once the door closed for good. Shortly after that, her parents checked in and she was able to hear her father's voice; they had no idea when he was traveling again, which was a good sign. One time when he arrived home from business when the twins were about fourteen, he was there for about two weeks, and they were some of the happiest of Lil's life. Of course, since then, it's hurt every time Lil interacted with her father when she never knew when he'd be leaving again, so she decided to keep her distance. It was unfortunate, but a habit Lil had gotten into.

There were only a few more weeks of school left, and by staring outside, you could definitely tell. The sun was staying out later; it was almost eight and the sun was just now setting, a big contrast from complete darkness in December by four o'clock. Lil locked the doors and then slipped inside Tommy's car.

Tommy smirked when Lil got in the car. His heat was on blast so the car was warm and cozy, and his hand was hidden behind his seat. Lil grinned back. "Hey," she purred, unintentionally "turning on her sexy voice." She closed her door, put on her seat belt, and her eyes widened when Tommy handed her a dozen roses.

"These for me?" she asked.

Tommy nodded. "Yup, just for my baby momma."

"Why?"

"No reason," he said, "just figured I could do something nice for you since I've been an ass lately."

Lil was in disbelief and couldn't shield her smile. This had to be the nicest thing he had ever done for her since they've reached puberty. She counted: twelve red roses. _Beautiful, _red roses just for her. She searched the set to see if she could spot a tag, but failed. That was okay; he didn't need to write anything to her. Him buying the flowers, the action, was enough.

"Thanks," she said as they pulled off. "That's really sweet."

"I already rented movies if that's cool with you," he stated, not dwelling on her gift for too long. He glanced at her to see what she was doing, before looking back at the road.

She nodded. "Yeah…that's fine. Whatever's good for you."

"Good."

They both fell silent. The car was so warm…it was always so warm whenever he came to get her. His heater made things humid, so all of her memories of Tommy involved his hot and steamy car. Sometimes they would park it somewhere, turn it off, and get things sweaty their own way; Lil yearned for the past. She wanted Tommy to caress her thigh without her feeling guilty; she wanted to pressure him into wearing condoms to prevent this unwanted pregnancy.

Lil's thoughts were broken by Tommy pulling into a gas station. When she looked at his tank meter she saw that he was almost full, and she gave him a curious look. "Snacks?"

"Something like that," he said. "Want anything?"

"You know what I like."

Tommy nodded. "I got you. I'll be back in a second." He turned the car off, opened the door, and left his companion in the car.

Once his door slammed shut, her whole environment felt cold. She shuddered, contemplated going inside with him, but chose not to. The roses were on her lap, and she felt immobile. Besides, throughout the whole day, every time Lil felt like she was doing too much, her stomach would cramp a little bit. It wasn't enough to alarm her, but she figured her baby was warning her to take it easy, and that's what she planned on doing.

She was bored as she waited, and decided to look at Tommy's collection of cds in the backseat. He took advantage of his cd burner on his computer, and you could tell by the scattered cd cases sprawled over the floor. Though Tommy mostly kept his car clean, that day it looked as if he were in the mood for a variety of songs as he traveled the streets. To occupy herself, Lil removed her seatbelt, turned around, and stretched to get a good look and also be able to grab a case without struggling. Multiple cases, as least fifteen of them lying on the floor like scrambled eggs; obviously the curving Tommy did cause them to move about. Blue ones, brown ones, leather ones…but a folded piece of paper wedged in the corner underneath a green and yellow case caught Lil's eye. She glanced back at the gas station; Tommy was still inside getting snacks. She bit her bottom lip, extended her arm, and captured the paper between her fingers.

Quickly she sat back in her seat, fastened her seat belt, and looked at the note. It was medium sized with nothing written on the outside. She was curious and ignored a painful sensation in her stomach that passed only moments later. The cramp reminded her of her child, and she rubbed her tummy while examining the note with her free hand. "Wonder what Daddy has here," she whispered. "Should Mommy open it?"

She didn't wait for a sign. She flipped it open and recognized Tommy's handwriting. His script he used was neat for a boy. And, to her pleasure, it was a note. Plenty for her to read; Tommy had filled up just about every space. Obviously this letter meant a lot to him. Lil read it in her head, and by the time she got to the last word, her eyes had welled up with tears. What did he want from her, when this letter expressed everything he really felt?

_Words can't express how much I regret all the pain I've caused you. Hell, this is probably the craziest shit I'd ever write for a girl. But I guess you're special, and I wish I had shown you that before all of this happened. We've been through a lot; a hell of a lot. You and me, we weren't supposed to go how far we did. We weren't supposed to make it. People didn't support us, but we didn't let that stop us. They'd tell you things about me, and you hung in there. You've made me into a much better person. Shit, who knows where I would be if you hadn't stuck with me through the bullshit. Then, like a dumbass, I had to fuck it up. Now you don't wanna return my phone calls. You're ignoring me. Throughout our relationship you've told me that I needed to be more aggressive and persistent so that you'd know I care, and even though it might be too late now, I'm gonna take your advice. I'm gonna make you see me; make you talk to me and convince you to take me back. These roses are a symbol of my undying love for you. Now don't laugh when you read this because like I said, this is the gayest shit I'll ever come up with, but I need you to forgive me. _

_Love always,_

_Tommy_

And it was obviously who the note was for; who the roses were for.

The realization, however, was overlooked as Lil experienced the worst series of cramps she would ever experience in her life.

And when Tommy got back to the car, tears streamed down her face as she begged him to hurry her to the hospital.


	13. Chapter 13

Other than to have her baby, Lil hadn't imagined any other reason she'd be restrained in a hospital. She was surrounded by machines, dreary walls, sick patients, doctors and nurses. Her cramps were severe, and she didn't have to wait long to be placed in a hospital room. There, she was hooked up to various machines and her head spinned as she attempted to keep up with what was going on. Once they took a look at the questionnaire, it didn't take long for the doctors to identify the problem, and they met Tommy at the waiting room to tell him, so that he could tell her.

Tommy shook his head. "Are you sure?" he asked.

One of the doctors nodded. "It seems as though she had been spotting for some time now, but because she hadn't been seeing a doctor regularly, I don't think she suspected anything was out of the ordinary."

"Can you tell her why? Like, was there a reason?"

"Not yet," the other doctor responded, "but after running some tests and looking at her family history, hopefully we'll be able to come up with a reason. However, we realize that she's young and hasn't really gone to a doctor. Now would probably be a good time to reach her parents."

"Can I go talk to her?" Tommy asked.

The two doctors looked at each other, before the first one nodded. "Yes, I think that will be a good idea."

From there, Tommy followed the two doctors down the corridors leading to Lil's bedside. Dimly lit and empty, it was like the scene of a movie, with Tommy's heart pounding after each step he made. He stopped himself from thinking; he just concentrated on forming the words to tell Lil of her misfortune. He didn't want to wind up blaming himself and thinking about all that he could have done to prevent that situation. All Lil wanted…was him, and he was too selfish to spare her the heartache when he had the chance, instead choosing to use her to his advantage whenever things got tough with his girlfriend.

Once they arrived outside her room, the two doctors stood there, wished him the best of luck, and then promised a nurse would be in there shortly to check on her. "Try and convince her to call her parents," the doctors said. "She didn't want to tell us how to reach them, but she's a minor; we can only do so much before needing them to come out here." And with that, Tommy knocked on Lil's door, and then walked inside.

The room was small, divided into two sections for another person, but lacked a lot of spade to move around. There was a curtain up to separate each patient's area; however the curtain was pulled back because Lil was the only one inside. With her bed the closest to the door, Tommy found himself facing her back as she laid on her side in fetal position, facing the window and looking out. She didn't turn when she heard the door open. She didn't even flinch as Tommy's footsteps crept closer to her, or even as he found his hand stroking her arm affectionately.

Although the monitors alarmed Tommy at first, it wasn't as difficult as he thought it would be for him to ignore them. Instead he concentrated on his nervousness…and finally he cleared his throat. "How's your stomach?" he asked her.

Without mustering any type of emotion, Lil replied dryly, "I'm okay."

Her skin turned cold then and Tommy stopped touching her, taken aback by her sudden temperature change. He was used to her soft flesh having a relaxing feeling when he came in contact with it. He put his hands in his pockets and then glanced around, hoping to discover a chair nearby, like in a corner or something. He saw one clear across the room by the side of the unoccupied bed, but by going to get it, Tommy knew that he would have to face Lil. After debating, he decided that he'd eventually have to see her anyway, so he might as well get it over with immediately. And at least, hopefully he could use this opportunity to make up for all he put her though.

Awkwardly Tommy strode across the room to grab the chair, and then sat it down in front of the side Lil was facing. He heard her sigh, glanced at her, and saw the tears streaming down her face. He wasn't surprised, but the sight broke his heart, because he blamed himself, for obvious reasons. "Shit Lil…don't cry."

"I'm sorry," she said. She took a deep breath. "I'm just…you know. This isn't how I expected I'd end my night."

Tommy nodded. "Yeah, me either. I figured we were gonna be cuddled up on the couch watching whatever movie and eating snacks." _I was gonna tell you everything you wanted to hear about the baby, and then we were going to fill each other's voids. _"And you know how things get when it's just us…"

Lil forced a smile, but her eyes held an unfamiliar look of turmoil. "Yeah, I know. We always wind up playing house or something." She laughed then, but Tommy could tell that the laugh also wasn't natural.

He fought himself from touching her again; from reaching out to her and holding her in his arms. He wanted to then…he wanted to kiss her and erase all of her pain, like he used to do when they were kids and the most complicated thing they experienced involved making a mess on the floor, which immediately was okay once it got cleaned up. Now things were going to be much harder to heal, because all of their tragedies cut deeper than that. And this time, he wanted to mean every single promise he made. He wanted to intertwine his fingers in her brown hair because he loved doing it as much as she loved the feeling, or even go back in time and stop this all from happening. He could've kept himself away from her and preyed on some other unsuspecting girl, where hurting her wouldn't weigh as heavily on his conscious as it had with Lil because no matter what, they had grew up together, and he had a special kind of love for her.

"I'm sorry Lil…I'm sorry for doing this to you."

At first, he got no reply. Lil just stared blankly, almost as if she hadn't heard him. Then she whispered, "Tommy, it's okay. I did this to myself."

"No, you didn't. I'm just…my head's just so fucked up. You wouldn't be here if it wasn't for me."

She shook her head then, and reached out to him, slowly, as if she had been unsure about doing it herself. Her cold fingertips caressed Tommy's cheek softly, as if he was the one needing to be comforted. "Tommy…I know you don't love me. I always knew you didn't love me; you can't love me when you have somebody as wonderful as Kimi on your right arm. And I mean…despite how much it hurt, I'd rather have half of you, then none of you at all. I chose to be number two…or number three…or number five…whatever. I always knew…but I didn't care. The flowers…I know they weren't for me either. But I know that when I got home, I would've went on pretending, and they would have been cherished as if they were my own."

The guilt weighing on Tommy's shoulders caused him to grab her hand, and hold it in his to warm it up. "Lil…"

She bit her bottom lip and shook her head in emotional pain. "Without you…I wouldn't have my baby. And now nobody's telling me if my baby is okay…that's all I wanna know. The doctors didn't tell you anything?"

Tommy hesitated. Now wasn't the time to tell her…he didn't want to have to be the one always breaking her heart. "Lil…the baby's…you were having the cramps because you were…"

His voice trailed off.

And if you were just watching the room with no sound, the first thing you would've noticed was the change in Lil's eyes. The change was drastic; the color drained from her face. "No," Lil murmured. She struggled to sit up and wiped her eyes on the thin hospital blanket in her possession. "No…Tommy, no." The tears were coming down faster as she looked down at her stomach and then touched it with her ice cold hands. For some reason, even though she hadn't let began showing, she knew something was wrong. She knew something was missing…her eyes told her that things weren't the same as they had been earlier that day. Then she made eye contact with Tommy, the tears streaming silently down her cheeks, and when he turned away, she knew that she wasn't going to be a mother anymore. And that was the catalyst to her screams. Her rage. Her emotional breakdown.

People in the rooms close to her asked the doctors what was going on while newborn children in the emergency rooms burst into tears as well. Doctors felt uncomfortable as they tried tending to other patients, struggling to maintain their professional composure, feeling sorry for whoever was in the room with the young teenager who had just gone through a miscarriage. Silently they thanked God for not being the ones to break the news, and then sent up a prayer in her behalf.

Tommy watched her gather her thoughts and she continued to scream no, unsure of what to do, or how to comfort her. She looked at him then, and for the first time in his life, he saw something else besides love or hurt directed towards him. "Lil…please, calm down," he managed to let out, because those were the only words he could think up.

"No," she snapped. "Get out! Get out of here, you bastard! You did this to me and now you just…you think you can tell me to _calm down_?"

"I didn't mean it like—"

"Shut the fuck up talking to me," she screamed. "Get the hell out of here; stay out of my life. I bet you're happy too. I bet when they told you my baby died, you held the hugest smile on your face, and couldn't wait to tell me because you thought I'd be as happy as you are!"

"Please Lil, don't think that. I'd never want to see you hurting like this."

"The hell you wouldn't. You're always hurting me anyway; this time saved your ass. Now you don't have to tell anybody you're gonna be a father, because my baby's dead. They're gonna know I'm pregnant, or at least that I was…but you won't have to tell a soul anything."

"I will, Lil. I'll tell them everything if that'll make you happy."

She laughed then, a maniacal one. She was in hysteria, fighting her tears from stopping her from speaking all together. "Whatever Tommy, we've already established that you didn't care about me. Can you please just do me a favor and leave me alone now?"

He didn't want to leave her, especially like that, but the desperation in her voice he knew she was covering…she needed to cope with this without him. He brought her into this and her mind was made up; she blamed him as much as he blamed himself. There was nothing he could do to make things better, especially with him being the one who caused it all.


	14. Chapter 14

It hurt that they never discussed what happened.

When Lil first was picked up from the hospital, she was relieved by the privacy. Her parents asked whether or not she was okay, and when she replied that she was, they left it alone. Nothing changed; no rules about hanging out, no talks about sex…no anything. They didn't ask her about when she started having sex, how many weeks she was pregnant, or who she was pregnant by. Whenever they did converse, they were short phrases. Short responses; nothing worth mentioning.

She had stayed in the hospital for two days, and when she was discharged she was prescribed some birth control pills and told to take it easy. They requested that she refrained from any sexual activity for about six weeks, not that Lil was planning on getting busy in the near future. She requested a doctor's excuse for the rest of the school year, and although the doctor was sympathetic to the teen's situation, Lil was given no more than a week off to cope…just five school days to grieve the loss of her child.

Upon her release, Lil found herself crying a lot. Sure it was expected, but she didn't realize how comforting it was having her baby inside of her stomach until it was gone. She talked to it a lot, and she had to keep herself from keeping at the habit. Whenever she looked in the mirror she would still lift up her shirt, pressed against her tummy, and then crawl back in the bed. Word had spread quickly, and in order to avoid the consistent ringing of her cell phone, she shut it off, stuck it in a box, and shoved it under her bed. No one could console her…she didn't want to be consoled. She, instead, desired to punish herself, making the miscarriage her fault.

Her father's presence in her home, she concluded, was comforting despite their lack of interaction. Waking up in the middle of the nights and sitting in the kitchen suddenly became a ritual for her, and it never failed for Howard to be sitting on the couch with the television on, suffering from insomnia. Lil considered sneaking up on him numerous times, just praying that maybe he would hold her the way he used to, but she'd always stop herself. She never knew what to expect from him anymore…how would he react? Instead of figuring it out, she didn't chance getting rejected.

* * *

Although she was dreading the day, Lil returned to school as expected on Monday. Ironically, it was also Kimi's first day back after her suspension. Gossip amongst the students centered on the two ex-best friends. School made up for the lack of conversation from Lil's parents, and people she hadn't spoken to since middle school were coming up extending their condolences, helping Lil feel a _little _better about her circumstances. She anticipated a massive amount of nosy students quizzing her about her sexcapades and baby daddy, yet was grateful to receive the exact opposite. Her teachers cut her slack about assignments; one in particular even pulled Lil to the side and briefly mentioned being in a similar situation and understanding how difficult it could be to get back in the swing of things. She was complimented for returning to school so soon after the incident, borderline being deemed a hero after falling from grace and picking herself back up from it.

The first time Lil spotted Kimi, she saw her through the glass of the counselor's office with her head low, reading a book. After coming back to school from a suspension, it was school policy for the student to meet with his or her counselor to discuss the fight and what was learned during the time of absence. Lil's heart quickened and her body temperature increased…Kimi was the one person she wanted to talk to, but she was also afraid about letting it slip that it was Tommy's baby she was carrying. She was worried about what Kimi would say if they talked, what she would joke about, and what she would ask. On the other hand, Lil was tired of lying…Kimi deserved to know the truth about everything. If it weren't for lies, the whole dilemma could've been avoided…and there was no point to keep it going. With her baby being dead, there was nothing Kimi could take from Lil that she already hadn't lost. Her emotions couldn't get worse; she had already hit rock bottom.

For a second, Lil contemplated making up an excuse about needing to see her own counselor. She figured she'd have a good enough reason to, and it would allow her to be in the same room as Kimi. They would make small talk, Kimi would talk about how sorry she was for Lil's loss, and they would make up. She stopped in the hallway then, still unsure of her next move, but then within seconds Kimi looked up, closed her book and got to her feet. In no time at all, Lil was staring at an empty chair.

_My baby…my best friend…who do I lose next?

* * *

_The student parking lot was full of kids who weren't in a hurry to get home when Lil met up with her twin brother at his car. Music blared, the sun beamed, and it was definitely hot outside. Even before she left the building, Lil had stripped down to the tank top she wore under her t-shirt and pulled her hair into a messy bun. She felt people's eyes burning her flesh, very few of them hiding the fact that they were examining her stomach, and she fought back the flood of tears welling behind her eyelids. It was as if they could see the scar she had gotten from being cut open, though she was certain it was hidden.

Her brother could see how distressed she appeared. To him, Lil was like an open book…he just couldn't believe all of this was going on in her life and he didn't know. Sure, he suspected that she had been up to something, but him possibly being an uncle…he had no clue. "Let me get that," he said, taking her backpack from her.

"Thanks," she murmured. She walked over to the passenger side of the car, but refrained from stepping inside. Quickly she scanned the parking lot, hoping to not appear as though she were looking for someone. Her eyes rested on Tommy's car and the girl Kimi had fought leaning against his car while he stood back, talking to her. Lil felt her insides beginning to boil as she became enraged, wanting to run up and stop it. But she watched a little longer; paid attention to his body language. He seemed to have had a bad day…he was shaking his head at whatever the girl was asking him. She looked desperate. He didn't care. After saying one more thing to her, he walked to the driver side of his car and drove off, leaving her in the same spot with a crushed look on her face.

Lil didn't know that Phil was watching her, reading her body language. He had a strong suspicion that Tommy was the one who had got her pregnant, and considering the fact that he never saw them together, he didn't know why Lil was protecting him. He was never showering her with a bunch of gifts and attention, and with them sneaking around, it was as if Tommy wanted to keep her a secret. _And she's worth so much more than that. _Hell, Phil wanted to be like, fuck whatever relationship they had and blow Tommy's head off; fuck that bastard for doing this to his sister. How could he look Phil in the _face _knowing he was having sex with his sister? _Using _his sister? _Playing _his sister? They had all grown up together, and Tommy wanted to go down this route; be this shady? He deserved to experience the worse.

"Let's go," Phil said nonchalantly when Tommy pulled off, not wanting Lil to know he was on to her.

She nodded. _Maybe I should return his phone calls, _she thought to herself as she climbed inside the car. She knew that Tommy felt guilty…he was leaving her tons of messages, notes in the mailbox, and even was one of the many people to have flowers delivered to her home once she left the hospital. She was just skeptical about his sincerity; was he really disappointed that the baby died? Maybe he felt bad for her loss, but was happier that now he didn't have to take responsibility for their affair.

"How was school?"

Lil looked at her brother, her eyes glassy. Her voice was low as she replied, "It was okay…I cried in Soc, but it was nothing."

"You see Kimi?"

She nodded. "We didn't talk though. I don't know if she saw me or not…"

Phil was silent for a minute. He had talked to Kimi; they had talked plenty of times during the last few days. They had run into each other at a McDonalds the second week of her suspension, after Lil had miscarried. She was eating inside to take advantage of being out the house; he was being impatient and didn't feel like waiting in the long drive-thru line. He had joined her when he got his food, and they wound up going to a movie afterwards. She was hurt…Phil wasn't surprised about that. But it was fun trying to put a smile on her face, and very rewarding when he succeeded.

They talked about Lil and they talked about Tommy that first night they hung out:

"_Don't hate me for this, but for a long time I suspected that it was Lil…that her and Tommy were messing around behind my back. It just always seemed like that were busy at the same times…and when we were in person, it was like overnight something changed in how they treated each other. Like, they grew distant on purpose…like they were hiding something. Matter of fact, I thought as I ran up on Tommy's car that it was Lil's face I was gonna be throwing my fist into, but it wasn't…"_

"_So you were ready to fight your best friend over him?"_

"_I mean…I wasn't even thinking about it like that. It was more like…she was hurting me the most. Because she was supposed to be my best friend. And even now…the baby…it's all a huge coincidence, isn't it?"_

They thought they had been so careful at hiding it. Lil and Tommy thought that they were the only two who knew, but everybody else had suspicions. They were just lucky they hadn't gotten caught in the act, or somebody would've really gotten hurt. Things could be worse than they already are.


	15. Chapter 15

Melancholy, Lil stood outside of the restaurant hesitantly. A gray blanket had fallen over the sky, the cause being the evening approaching. It was chilly outside so she wore a hoodie, her hair in a ponytail because she was too depressed to get dressy. She shivered, as a result of the breeze, but still stood in the same spot. Debating whether or not she really wanted to go in. Unsure of whether she truly wanted to take this next step in her life.

She was meeting Kimi.

And had vowed to tell her everything.

It was the weekend. They hadn't talked in school, but they resorted to texting each other after Phil convinced them both it would be a good idea. Through their messages, they maintained small talk, but they mutually agreed that they needed to discuss the deeper things in person. Only earlier that day had they decided to meet for dinner; Lil only confirming the plans because she had gotten sentimental thinking about the baby again, and concluded that she hadn't been in her right mind. She had an epiphany that day: every time she thought about her child, she was dreaming. She was delusional and she was just now realizing it. That's why she had such high hopes for Tommy…

So young. She was too young to be dealing with such a loss, and she felt her face tingling as she fought back tears. Shivering again, she walked up to the restaurant entrance and walked inside. At the podium, there wasn't a host, and she waited. The restaurant was nice and private; a family-owned diner she spent a lot of time eating at in junior high. Once high school began, she hadn't seen much of this place. It was plainly decorated with burgundy carpet and a wooden, country theme; they had a great variety of food.

She scanned the place and spotted Kimi sitting at the table next to the window. She wore her hair down, a brown, lacy shirt, and blue jeans. She was looking out of the window with an expressionless face and already had a drink with empty sugar packets next to the side of her cup; she probably had iced tea. She was always ordering tea from there even though she knew it was unsweetened. Lil always admired how Kimi took care of the problem herself, even being confident enough to take the sugar packets from other, unoccupied tables. She wasn't lazy, whereas Lil wouldn't feel like going through that trouble.

A lady walked up to her then, handed her a menu, and Lil pointed out her friend. _I should just leave now, _Lil thought. _I don't think I'm ready for this…I'm fine being alone. I don't need a friend; Kimi's probably gonna officially hate me after today anyway. I don't think I can handle an altercation right now._ But she knew she needed to grow up; she'd never be able to mourn the right way if the truth wasn't out. Since her parents weren't ready to talk about it, Tommy had given up trying to talk to her, and she was too ashamed to tell her brother, she could at least give Kimi a try…they _were_ best friends at some point. Besides, their beef wasn't even anything serious. Lil couldn't even remember why they had fallen out.

Kimi looked up when Lil approached with the waitress, but didn't murmur a word until after Lil had ordered her drink. Once the lady was gone, Kimi forced a smile. "Hey," she said softly. "I'm sorry about the baby…"

Of course Lil's heart ached, but she attempted a smile; it didn't turn out the way she wanted it to. She was a mess, she looked a mess, and she couldn't even fake a good smile. "Thanks…"

"Um…how are you doing?" Kimi asked. What she really wanted to ask was why Lil had kept this secret from her, but she didn't want to make things worse. Instead she was curious about her friend, although Phil consistently told her that Lil was getting better emotionally. But she knew how boys could be; they didn't understand how sensitive a female's feelings could be, especially Lil, who handled her emotions difficultly from the moment she started puberty. It was a teenage thing.

"I'm okay," Lil said softly.

Kimi nodded. _You don't look okay_, but she didn't want to push the issue. Obviously she wasn't ready to talk about it.

"What have you been into?" Lil wondered. Kimi was looking good; calm.

The brunette smiled. "I'm good," she replied. "I feel like a burden's been lifting off my shoulders, not having to worry about Tommy and whatnot. They actually wanted to get me in some type of anger management classes, but I don't know how much they're following through with it."

"Ooooh, okay." Lil was unsure of how to reply. "I missed you."

They paused as the waitress returned with Lil's drink. "Are you two ready to order?"

Because they both used to be regulars, they knew what they wanted before they even walked through the door. Kimi ordered her usual; a chicken salad and bowl of chili. Lil decided to eat her feelings away, so she ordered some hot wings, French fries, cheese sticks, and a double chocolate cake with ice cream on the side. Kimi was almost horrified, but reminded herself that Lil was going through a hard time, so she kept her opinions to herself.

Once the woman left, it took Kimi a couple minutes to pick the conversation up from where Lil left off. She loved Lil like a sister, but she felt like her best friend had betrayed her, even though it hadn't been confirmed yet. And she sympathized for her best friend, but she couldn't exactly admit to being upset that they baby hadn't made it. She felt like her and Tommy might have a chance to get back together in the future, and any baby with Lil could either delay it, or mess it up altogether. She wasn't yearning for Tommy; in fact, she meant it when she said she was doing well without him. Yet at the same time, he'd be perfect for her once he grew up and became a man.

"Lil, I missed you too."

"We used to be so close…we used to spend every single day together."

Kimi smirked. "I know. Good times. We were like family."

"Me, you and the gang…coming to this place every single weekend…after every single big thing. Remember when we both were stoked about going to homecoming in the seventh grade after getting invited by Joel and Danny? We thought we were the coolest ever."

The two of them laughed, but the laugh was traced with underlying levels of pain. Nevertheless, both of them thought back to the good ole days…being in middle school. These two freshman boys had invited them to homecoming, and they had done so much bragging that many girls stopped hanging out with them for awhile. They bought dresses early and everything, but once the time came to get guest passes, they were told that junior high kids couldn't attend high school festivities. Humiliated and ego bruised, they had came to this very restaurant that night and complained about why high school was stupid.

"Heehee, yeah we did. Then we spent homecoming night in this very restaurant _and _skipped school Monday to save ourselves from the embarrassment."

Kimi pondered for a moment. "It's good we didn't go, though. Didn't Danny wind up getting in some type of trouble when he was a sophomore for taking advantage of this drunk girl?"

"You know what? I think he did. Bad ass…"

"Man…time just go by so fast. We're about to be seniors next year! Chuckie is _graduating _in just a few _weeks_. It's crazy."

"We have to do this again," Lil said. "We can't grow distant anymore. No matter what, we have to be best friends forever. We can't keep doing this to each other."

"Doing what?"

Lil paused, searching for the right words. "Alienating each other. Punishing each other…"

"But you know why I've been like I've been with you."

Lil bit her bottom lip and looked down at her placemat. On one side, they had the history of the family restaurant on there and how it got started, and on the other side was a little children's menu with pictures that could be colored. She couldn't take looking at either one; both sides made her temples throb. She glanced back up and out the window. "It was the biggest mistake I ever could've made."

Her companion sighed. Her eyes were on Lil, who looked so weak and vulnerable it was almost frustrating, especially considering the direction the conversation was heading. "So you're admitting it?"

Lil nodded.

Kimi felt her blood rising. She had known it, but now she was certain it had happened. She was sure that Tommy had cheated on her with her _best friend, _her _sister,_ and Lil betrayed her. Her voice rose then; it got stronger. There was pain and anger. "Look at me, Lil. You tell me in my face, like a woman, that you had sex with Tommy behind my back when we were together." She was angry, but her heart softened when Lil looked at her. Her cheeks were pink, and tears had fallen from her eyes, but she hadn't made a sound. Kimi never would've known.

"I-I'm sorry Kimi," Lil told her. Her voice was low and cracked. "I'm sorry for…everything. For hurting you…and if I could go back in time I would."

Kimi didn't say anything. She felt guilty…because she knew Lil couldn't be blamed for everything. No matter what, even Kimi had to face up to some responsibility for it happening. She knew how Tommy was…and who knows how long they went on before Lil had gotten pregnant? She at least may have been able to stop that. She was always too busy for Tommy and she knew it wouldn't take much for him to stray. "Lil…" her heart was changing again.

But Lil laid her head down on the table and began to weep…began to really break down. Her knees weakened, her chest heaved up and down, and it was like being in the hospital all over again. The pain of just finding out she had miscarried was coming back. "I-I-I'm hurt too. It's not about j-just one of us…we b-b-both were hurt. I l-l-loved—m-m-my baby d-d-died…w-w-when I was w-w-with him. When I r-realized he l-l-loved you m-more than me even though…I was carrying his…_baby_. I didn't d-do it to h-hurt you…I n-needed to do it for me…and I fucked up. I fucked everything up."

"Lil, stop crying…"

"I can't," Lil whimpered. "My life is so…so hard right now. And I feel so bad and so stupid…and so _used_. You keep thinking about _you_ and I know I need to expect that because…I did mess up. But nobody's trying to figure out why this all happened. What's wrong with _me_?"

"Nothing's wrong with you, Lil. Don't even let yourself think that."

"That shit is easier s-said than done…because I mean, how c-could a true, confident woman do something like this?"

"We all make mistakes," Kimi told her.

"I just…I don't know. I don't even wanna talk anymore." Lil lifted her head and wiped her eyes with her sleeve. "I'm gonna go home."

"Lil…our food's probably on its way out."

"I don't give a damn. I just…I'll talk to you some other time. I can't deal with this right now…"


	16. Chapter 16

The wind danced around her body, playing with her restricted hair as she struggled to look at her surroundings. Her vision was blurred by her tears and the only thing she was sure of what that she was cold, it was dark, and she had no idea where she was. Lil used her wet sleeve to wipe her eyes, but the realization of being lost catalyzed another round of sobs.

Once she left the restaurant, she ran. Without turning back, she wandered off, each step away from her reality easing her pain just a tiny bit more. She went straight a couple of blocks and rounded a few curves, controlling her destination, unwisely following a subconscious course. She couldn't stop until she knew Kimi couldn't find her, chase after her, and remind her of her losses. It was dark outside and she kept from looking forward, not that she could see much in front of her anyway.

Time had passed, though she didn't know how much, and she took a deep breath to calm down. After her sobs broke into chokes, Lil wiped her eyes once more to look around. She was at an intersection, underneath a streetlight that steady blinked yellow. The roads had gotten wider from when she first left; she was in an area she had never been through before. As she looked in each direction, there was no trace of activity anywhere. There were just manicured fields, as though big businesses were somewhere ahead, but Lil felt no hope that anyone would be inside if she were to walk upon them.

She felt her heartbeat increasing, especially once she dug into her pockets and found that her phone was missing. "Shit," she cursed, "where in the hell…" Then she remembered that during her breakdown that she recently snapped out of, she had dropped her phone on the way to her destination. She had gotten caught up in her emotions that she refrained from stopping back to pick it up right away, promising that she'd return when she gathered her bearings. Now she didn't know how long ago that was, and she was beginning to panic.

Sniffling, she tried to comfort herself with no avail by rubbing her stomach. The reality of being alone was finally settling in…

"I don't know where she went!" Kimi exclaimed into her cell phone for the fifth time, struggling to remain calm as she talked to Phil on the phone. She drove up and down the empty, nearby streets frantically, unsuccessfully trying to shield the panic in her voice. After waiting in the restaurant thirty minutes after Lil initially left, she threw some money on the table of the restaurant and left, calling Phil before the car was started. She hoped that he would calm her down, but instead he only made things worse.

* * *

"Shit, Kimi! Have you tried calling her?"

"While I was in the restaurant…it keeps going straight to voicemail. And the car's still in the parking lot, so I know she's on foot."

Phil took a deep breath. He knew that his sister was impulsive and dramatic, which he figured was why she left the restaurant the way she did, but she would never purposely have anyone thinking she was hurt when in actuality she wasn't. Trouble had a way of following her, so she knew better than to "cry wolf." Once before, when they were in middle school, Lil had come up missing. Turns out, she used to sneak to the park in the middle of the night to occasionally gather her thoughts, and she was found on the ground with her leg twisted in a painful way; she had jumped off of the swing and broken her leg. Maybe this time was the same…maybe she had gotten hurt.

"What the fuck happened?" Phil asked. "Why in the hell did she just run off?"

She was reluctant to tell him, because she knew that she would look like the guilty party. Sure, in a way she provoked it, but she hated that she could never fly off the handle since it was well known that Lil was prone to taking things too far. "We were just talking…she admitted what she did and started crying. Next thing I knew, she was gone. I thought about chasing after her, but I thought maybe she was going to get some air and just come back. I didn't think she was going to run off like this."

"Where are you now?" he asked her. He was searching the kitchen drawers for his parents' keys, throwing things on the counter until he found them. He figured he could clean up the mess once he got back home.

Kimi craned her neck to catch the name of the street she was on and announced the intersection.

"I'm on my way," the older twin declared.

"Good."

* * *

She was sitting down on the curb of the street where they had one lane for one direction, and one in the other, when she recognized a car slowing down near her. Her knees were to her chest, her head down, and her arms in her sleeves. She had tugged at her ponytail until it was loose, and her hair was flowing freely with the wind. Things had taken a turn for her and now she was feeling an eerie calm, knowing that the best thing she could do was stay still now and hope for someone to find her. She didn't have her baby anymore, so without anything to look forward to, she wasn't going to try and change her situation. She was going to let the change find her.

And it did.

However, it wasn't the hero she thought that would rescue her.

There was nowhere to park, but because the street was deserted, Tommy stopped the engine on the street a distance away. He was timid then; wanting so much to talk to her, but having no clue what kinds of things he wanted to say. Running across her on the side of the road, again, seemed to be fate in a way, especially because it was unexpected. By chance, he had a feeling it was her.

"You know, we have to quit meeting like this," he called out before he approached her. His heart tugged in his chest when she didn't reply, not even to look back up and acknowledge him, as if she wasn't who he thought she was after all.

She listened intently to his footsteps hesitantly getting closer. Now would be her time to jump up and start running again, chasing away the familiar feeling of love that would wash over her whenever he was near. Always…even despite all of this she'd been put through. Her blood was warming up, her heart was thumping quickly, and she wanted so much to cause a scene; to yell and curse and hit him. To blame him for her baby being dead, for only using her to fill the void that Kimi left every time she turned him down. To blame him for her friendship being ruined all because he was so damned irresistible to her, even as a young girl. Most importantly, she wanted to blame him for causing her to lose her dignity, all for one night.

He sat down next to her and before she could protest, his jacket was around her shoulders. She couldn't even muffle a thank you before she left him cupping her chin, and gently lifting her head. "Are you okay?" he asked her, noticing how she'd been crying.

She shook her head and bit her bottom lip, fighting so hard to keep it together. "I need to call my brother," she said softly.

Sparing the explanations, Tommy reached into his jacket pocket so that Lil wouldn't have to search for it, and as she freed her arms being untangled inside her clothing, he dialed Phil's number. Lil took his phone and mentally counted the rings before she heard her brother's husky voice, "What the hell do you want?"

Any other time, Lil probably would have smiled, but considering the circumstances, she couldn't enjoy it. "Phil…" she took a deep breath, "it's me."

He was silent for a moment. "What the hell are you doing with _him_?" he asked, his voice laced with anger. She knew that he wanted to explode into her ear, but Phil was good at considering her emotions and determined the best way to deal with his sister.

"I have _no_ idea where I am," she explained, "and he just spotted me and stopped. I lost my phone, so I'm using his."

"Hold on." She heard him telling somebody what she had just said and she assumed it was Kimi, since she was the only other person that knew Lil was missing. Sure enough, she recognized Kimi's voice mumbling something, failing to make out what it was. "He just spotted you?"

Lil rolled her eyes. "I know it sounds funny, but spare me the interrogation. I'm just…I'm not having the best night Phil, and be lucky it was him and not some creep."

Again Phil didn't say anything, trying not to say the wrong thing to set her off again. "Look, I'm out here if you want me to come get you," he informed her.

She glanced at Tommy. "Do you mind taking me to my car?" she asked him quietly. When he shrugged, she got back on the phone. "That's okay…you do whatever you wanna do. I'm sorry you wasted your time coming all the way out here. I'll be home soon."

"You're gonna let him take you home?" Phil asked in annoyance.

"He's taking me to the car," she told him.

"Still, Lil…"

"Don't try to understand."

_Click._

Silently, Lil handed Tommy back his phone and he set it on the ground next to them. She wondered if he was curious about what happened and why she was sitting there, outside, alone like she was, but he didn't ask. She knew that he hated when she talked unnecessarily, so she kept from telling him.

She looked at him. He was looking forward into the distance, but because she had grown to know him so well, she saw that he was thinking. _Searching_ for something to talk about and not trying to get her in the backseat of his car. For the first time, he seemed to want to do the right thing by her, and it felt good. That's why she was still there…because she never turned down those who wanted to fix their ways.

"I don't even know where I was going," Tommy revealed to her. He felt her eyes on him, and stopped from staring back, though he wanted to. He still wanted to hold her and run his fingers through her dark hair like he used to. With Lil, ironically, he always felt the urge to protect her. She had Phil, but still, she was like a damsel…the opposite of Kimi who never needed that support. He liked being able to come to Lil's aid and make her feel good, even when his interests were coming first. "Ever since…our baby died…I've been just driving around at night like this all the time."

_Our baby._

She watched his lips move and then stop, but fought from saying something because she wanted so much for him to continue. _Needed_ him to continue.

And, as usual, he satisfied her. "When it first started, I would go to this girl's house. You probably don't wanna hear this..." He turned to her then, but in her eyes, he saw that she wanted to hear the rest. "She reminds me a lot of Angelica sometimes: blond, confident, and she knew what she wanted. I did it to get my mind off of everything, and it was nice for a couple of days, but once I left…I felt something missing. And then I'd think of you, because it seems like you would feel the same way…I know you used to tell me that sometimes. You never thought I was listening, but really I did.

"Anyway, I would make the same trip every night, but I'd never turn down her street. I just wanted to keep driving and keep thinking."

His brown-haired companion nodded. It was chilly, but she was warm sitting next to him. It felt good and right, that moment in their lives that she knew they'd never recapture, no matter how hard they might try. "I'm not like her," she whispered.

Tommy raised his eyebrow.

"The girl," she clarified. "I'm not always confident and I never know what I want…I thought I wanted our baby until you said that you did, and then I didn't want it anymore. But then, when it was gone…I wanted it back."

She sighed. "You got sick of her?"

He shook his head, but then he surprised her by nodding. "Something like that, I guess."

Lil sucked in her breath. "And you got tired of me too."

He didn't say anything. He didn't do anything. He wasn't sure whether or not it was true. He never got tired of Lil per se; the pregnancy thing was what halted things from continuing with her. Sure, sometimes her personality was over the top, but when she got like she was now, things were really good. She was stable and mature, not trying to be something she wasn't.

"Lil…that wasn't how things happened."

"But if I were Kimi, things still would've been different. It's okay…I know that now."

"My relationship with you is different from how it was with her."

"You tried to please her, but you knew I'd always accept anything you did…so how I felt was never important."

"Lil—"

"Tommy…it's okay. It's really okay now. The past is the past."

They stopped talking. To their left, headlights peered back at them. It was a patrol car, they noticed when it came closer, maneuvering past Tommy's car. In front of them it parked, and the driver rolled down his window. There were two officers in the car.

"Is this vehicle yours?" he asked.

"It's mines, sir," Tommy spoke up.

"Is this man bothering you, young lady?"

"No, sir," Lil replied. "He's going to take me to my car."

"I think you two need to get to that," he instructed. "It's too dangerous out here for two young people to be sitting with your car parked in the road like this."

"Okay officer, will do."

And just as easily, they pulled off.

Halfheartedly, Tommy stood up first. He knew they were right, and as much as he despised authority, he wasn't going to risk them coming back and him being in trouble. He grabbed Lil's hand next and helped her to her feet, but he ceased to let her go. "I like that you're different, Lil," he said. "It's good that Kimi's how she is and it's going to take her far in life, but you…I can be there for you in ways that I can't for her. I try…but she doesn't always accept me for me. You do…"

If they were in a movie and there was going to be a happy ending, they would've kissed then. Lil would've locked her arms around his neck and declare her undying love for him, they would've had plenty of babies together in the future, and everyone would live with the fact that through it all, they were meant to be together. They would've made promises to each other, sealing each one with a passionate smooch before giving each other the business rivaling Hollywood love scenes all around. But that wasn't the case, and Tommy knew that she deserved so much better than him.

"No matter what happens with us, Tommy, I'll never forget this."


	17. Chapter 17

They say you never know what you have until it's gone. It was a harsh reality.

Picking up the pieces after losing your first love was hard, especially with a dead baby in the equation, and moving on was difficult for Lil. She wanted to put things into perspective and deal with it, fast-forwarding all the tears and sleepless nights, but time machines didn't exist and thus, she was out of luck. She found herself looking for different outlets in which to handle her pain, sometimes hitting the bottle and skipping school, but guilt was always in the back of her mind, so she turned to writing.

She wrote letters to everyone: Kimi, Tommy, her parents…She had a shoebox with a large pile of folded up notebook papers letter style, names and dates scribbled on the side so that she wouldn't have to open them up in order to see who it was to and when. She was writing with no intentions to send them; just to have someone to talk to. Occasionally she read the letters just to admire her vocabulary and poetics, but most times, the box gathered dust underneath her bed. The only time it came out was when she was adding to it, but the more time went by, the sparingly she had the energy to pour her heart out.

She was hitting her highs and lows. During her highs she was productive, finishing all of her homework, writing positive pieces, and making plans for her future. When her lows hit her, she was spending all day in bed, moping around the house when no one was home, and torturing herself with her thoughts. Imagining days when her baby would come, reading _What to Expect When You're Expecting_ so that she could see how much her baby would've developed inside of her…make note of some of her symptoms. Once, she even found something to put underneath her shirt in order to witness how big she would've been.

She was never really social.

* * *

Kimi tried…

After that night in the restaurant, she texted Lil every day, refrained from making any negative remarks about Lil and Tommy on her Facebook and Twitter pages, and sat with her at lunch a few days. She'd make conversation about _anything, _just trying to see for herself if she could pretend that the situation never happened and rekindle her best friendship with her childhood buddy. She wanted to make herself succeed so that she could feel better, but Lil wasn't trying…and Kimi had to give up.

She spent a lot of her free-time that Tommy or Lil used to occupy by chatting with Phil, who was always a good friend. He was easy to talk to, an excellent listener, and she could tell him anything, especially because she was repressing her urges to talk shit on the web. She knew that Lil had been through a lot, but in a way, she sort of asked for it. You just don't do bad things to other people without expecting karma to hit you back; life didn't work that way. It was difficult for Kimi to push aside the good when the bad were so much more intense…so prevalent…

Phil understood.

Still, she was conscientious of what she said about Lil in his presence. His sister was the most important girl to Phil, and she knew it. She made mistakes, but he overlooked that.

Kimi wished she was at the point in her life where she could too.

* * *

"Tommy…that feels so good…"

Tommy barely heard the blond purr in his ear because he was so busy focusing on the pleasure she was giving him. He had a thing for young high school blonds, he had to admit it. They were always so willing and needy…they made him feel like he was _THE_ man. They didn't care about the rumors or his reputation. They didn't care that he'd ruined the best thing he ever had by cheating on the girl he was with for _years_. They didn't mind that he'd gotten her best friend pregnant. They could care less that he'd broken the hearts of two beautiful girls, tainted their innocence, and ruined their images of love. They didn't even know the girls. They didn't judge him. They adored him. They wanted to be his, even if it was just for a moment.

They didn't care about any of the things he cared about.

They distracted him from his remorse. They kept him from thinking about how he'd been rejected by Kimi and all the money and time he spent wanting to win her back. They kept his mind off of Lil, how much he really liked her before he destroyed her. That was the most important. He felt like he ruined her life. She loved him, and they didn't even talk anymore. The only reason he knew how she felt; Kimi treated him the same.

He didn't even remember this girl's name, but he knew she was on one of his friends' lists on some networking website so he could check later. He really met her earlier that day when she was standing in the student parking lot at her friend's car. It was his lucky day; her friend had left her keys in the ignition and locked the car so he offered to take them home. He found out they were sophomores so he knew they were at that stage of wanting to impress the older guys, so he made a couple detours to extend their time together. "Get to know them"—it was all part of his game plan. He mentally picked his favorite, took the other one home first, and _scored_. Happened every time.

He didn't like easy girls. They were all the same…

"Hey…hey…" Tommy stopped what he was doing with his hands and broke his rhythm with his blond concubine. The girl refused to take the hint and lunged for his neck, trying to tease and please and get him back in the mood. He didn't want to be forceful, but he pushed her away from him.

The look she gave him—her blue eyes looked surprised, and then somber. The results of being rejected…

"I'm just not feeling it," he told her, "and I don't want to take advantage of you."

She stared at him. "Take advantage? But, you're not—"

"I can't keep doing this," he told her. She watched him blankly, not understanding.

Her reaction annoyed him. She was just sitting there, not taking action. She wasn't rushing to throw on her clothes. She wasn't doing anything.

Kimi would've _stopped_ him. Kimi would have told him that he was getting too into it and needed to chill. She never said much when they were hooking up…she let him do most of the work because she was so inexperienced and didn't want to embarrass herself. It was cute, especially because she'd admit it.

Lil was a different story. If Tommy told Lil to stop, she would've jumped up on command and threw on her clothes, trusting that what he said was the right thing to do. Sure, it got her in a lot of trouble, but she wasn't an idiot. When he said to chill, it was normally the wisest route. She kept her dignity instead of trying to convince him otherwise and ultimately failing, like this girl was.

"Look, I don't even remember your name."

With that, he got up, zipped up his pants and walked out of the room. If _that_ hurt her, then she definitely wasn't ready to play on Tommy's team. The girls he took seriously were the ones who wound up the worst.

* * *

**Sorry it's always taking so long for me to update lately. I've been dealing with a lot; recently had my heart broken and been dealing with all that jazz...I haven't had much inspiration or known how to progress this story. I'm still working on it; the next few chapters will be the end of it soon. Tell me what kind of ending will be the ultimate payoff for you guys sticking with me for so long. I aim to please. :]**


	18. Chapter 18

As the school year came and went, summer approached with a vengeance. Consistently the temperature reached record highs as the sun made its place in the sky, its rays pounding against the skin of all those in the community. There were pool parties every day while teenagers took to the streets those summer nights. Those like Chuckie, who graduated, were preparing for graduation parties and college – wanting so much to enjoy their last summer before the weight of being an adult began boggling them down. Everyone else was just trying to be enthused about his or her senior year.

"It's _so_ hot," Lil murmured aloud as she walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water. The August heat was the worst, and with the DeVilles' air conditioner broken, the household was suffering. Although she wore only some shorts and a cotton t-shirt, the incoming senior was miserable. Not only was the heat almost unbearable, but also this summer had been the most miserable in the young lady's history of summers. She was lonely. While Phil gallivanted around town doing a little of everything with a little of everyone, Lil spent her days in the house trying to keep herself from thinking. She was her own worst enemy these days; her thoughts were really starting to get to her.

It was sad being alone – having no friends.

She missed her summers with the gang back in the day when they were still innocent. They used to go on trips together, play sports together, wake up together and fall asleep together. They had been best friends – then suddenly they drifted. They had always been friends, but they weren't as close as they used to be. They grew up. They all changed.

They all had been able to make new friends but Lil. Not because she wasn't social and not because people avoided her, but because she had held on to her childhood memories and wanted things to be the way they were. Besides, her and Kimi had still been close; she didn't feel as though she needed backup friends just in case that failed. And yet, they had failed. They had failed miserably.

She let out an exasperated sigh before taking a large gulp of her water. She felt…gross. It was hot and it was sticky and she had spent most of her summer prancing around the house instead of doing anything productive. She hadn't looked up colleges or gone on any trips or worked anywhere. She listened to Betty complain whenever she came back home about Lil's lack of motivation and overall negative attitude.

"_Lillian, I know you've been coping with something devastating and I've been trying to be patient, but this is getting out of hand. You stay in the house all day and still nothing's done – you don't clean and you don't cook and I don't understand why you're bringing this family down instead of helping to build us up. I'll never be able to comprehend the way you must be feeling, but it's been months – if you're not making any progress, you might need some serious help."_

The conversations happened so often these days. Always, Lil would cry. Sometimes she would get defensive about needing help and she would argue about it before storming off. Other times she would just step outside and get some air. She had started smoking against her better judgment and would just walk to the neighborhood park, sit on the edge of the sandbox, and reminisce. Once before she had taken a handful of sleeping pills and slept a little over a day – disappointed to wake up, but even more disappointed when she realized no one in the house had noticed. Another time Phil had interrupted her tears and taken her out for ice cream in an entirely different city. A little road trip. It was nice.

Lil was aware that Phil and Kimi were spending a lot of time together and she wasn't sure how she felt about that. Her and Kimi were still on awkward terms. It was tough running into each other. At Chuckie's graduation party, Lil was doing her best to show to her parents that nothing was wrong and that her and Kimi were as close as they had always been, but just didn't have much time to spend with one another. Except for Lil had all the time in the world because she spent her days in the house. Kimi on the other hand stayed busy.

So while Phil played knight and shining armor with Kimi's heart, Lil tried her hardest not to let her thoughts linger on to Tommy. She had no idea what he had been up to this summer – he rarely updated his Facebook and Phil, her only other source to the outside world, never spoke him up. She missed him. She hated admitting it, but she did. She missed the times they would spend together. She missed what they almost had. She missed what they could've been.

And deep down inside, she suspected that he missed her too.

* * *

Author's Note: Thank you guys so much for sticking with me through all this. I am gradually coming up with an ending for this story, so just keep tuning in. I'm finally getting my mojo back. (:


	19. Chapter 19

"Hey Tommy, do you mind running to the store to get a few things for me?"

"Smells good in here," Tommy said as he walked in the kitchen, where he found his mother wearing a flour stained apron with her curly red hair piled on top of her head hunched over the counter with pretty stationary in her hand. The Pickles' residence smelled of sweet apples and cinnamon, causing the teenager's mouth to water as he approached Didi. She was in the process of preparing four pies for Chuckie's graduation party the next afternoon when she had noticed she was low on a few ingredients, thankful that her son appeared right on time, saving her from going to the store herself.

"Thank you," she smiled, handing him her list.

He gave her a look like _I didn't agree to this,_ which made her respond with an _I don't care, I'm your mother and wish you would say no_ look. In return, Tommy smiled with his biggest, most charming grin, as his mother definitely won that time.

"Where is Dil, anyway?" Tommy asked, grabbing the list and putting it in his pocket.

"He went with your father to work this morning."

Tommy nodded. Dil was working with Stu a lot that summer, increasingly that month of August, taking advantage of their time together before school started back up. They both were visionaries and unlike Tommy, Dil had taken more of an interest in what his father liked – inventions. Oftentimes they would go out and shop for miscellaneous items to put together and create something new. The good ideas Stu would patent, but a lot of his creations wound up being used around the house, only.

Meanwhile, Tommy spent the majority of his summer away from home. After the drama with Kimi and Lil, he realized he needed a break from the girls in town and decided to spend June and July with his grandparents, Minka and Boris in the first part of the summer, and Lou and Lulu the latter part. It was time for some self-reflection. Instead of cruising their communities trying to meet new girls and make friends, he spent a lot of time with his grandparents, learning more about himself through hearing stories about his family. Lou took him fishing. Minka taught him to cook. He thoroughly enjoyed his time being able to escape from his troubles, his regrets. He came back ready to move on and attack senior year with a vengeance.

Because it was blazing hot and the store was nearby, Tommy decided to walk. He had only been back home for a week or so, avoiding certain scenes so that he wouldn't need to see certain people. That was all to change tomorrow, as there was nothing reason enough to keep him from attending Chuckie's open house. He was going to be leaving off for college soon, and as his longtime best friend, he needed to see him before he left. Still, Tommy knew that _everyone_ was going to be there, the whole gang, and that made him apprehensive.

One thing he learned while he was gone that summer through the many stories he heard from his grandparents was that it was important to face your problems head on. _I used to be so brave when I was younger. I never had to hide behind my own lies, I always stood up for what was right, and things were still always good._ Of course, as soon as he left the straight and narrow path, he got caught up in mess, heartache, and ultimately had nothing to show for it.

"_You can't be true to yourself when you're going around telling lies to everyone," _Minka told him one morning they were chefing it up in the kitchen together. She was unaware of what Tommy had been going through the last school year, but what comes with age is wisdom and oftentimes the elderly do not need to know particulars to give the right message. _"When you're going around telling lies to people, you're denying the truth about yourself and what you truly want. You can't make it far in life doing that to yourself."_

His lies had cost him his life, in a sense. He lost his girl. He lost his friends. Sure, he was not ready to be a father, but he lost his family, his child – a child that should not have even manifested had he been responsible, who should have been conceived at the right time, when he or she could have been born. He did not want a child, but that's not a circumstance he should have even been in. He should have been honest, with everyone. When his feelings for Lil and his feelings for Kimi began to conflict, he should have managed it the right way.

He felt himself growing up, maturing that summer.

Sure, he was fearful of the future, but he also was determined to make things right for everyone again.


	20. Chapter 20

The following day was a beautiful one. Bright blue skies and large, fluffy white clouds kept the August sun company as birds sang and danced in the wind, the air smelling of perfume and flowers. Nature's blessing of perfection not only seemed to affect the outside plants and critters, who made their presence known running up and down the trees and sidewalks, but also, it appeared as though the people were a little bit more pleasant than they normally would be. It was one of those days where the weather helped influence the mood of everyone around.

The Finster household was live, the environment filled with excitement about the future and accomplishments Chuckie managed to achieve up into graduation. His parents were proud and it _showed_. Before the guests turned down the block of the Finster home, the stop sign was decorated with banners and balloons informing everyone who seen it of where the festivities were taking place. As if that were not enough, and to them it was not, once guests reached the house they found more of a spectacle – there was a larger banner hanging over the porch with Chuckie's face, name, graduation year, former and future schools. Large arrangements of flowers and balloons decorated the porch. A large bounce house in the yard entertained the younger children at the party.

Although the inside of the home was large and neat, the backyard was where the open house was designated. Chas and Kira had invested in a large tent and in a screened section there were tables and tables of food, cake, and other desserts, as well as posters, pictures, albums, and other displays of Chuckie's accolades. Instead of focusing on sports, Chuckie's extracurriculars were academically driven – president of the chess club, robotics, the debate team, and he was the vice president of his graduating class, so he had many awards and trophies. A bit of a geek for a time, Chuckie managed to finish out his high school years as reasonably popular and accepted by his peers. This was clear by the number of students mingling with adults at the party.

His younger sister, Kimi, found herself running around as much as the graduate. Chas and Kira had spent the last few weeks trying to prepare both of their children for the event, going over responsibilities they expected of the two. "Yes, it _is_ Chuckie's open house," Kira admitted when she detected Kimi's apprehension, "but this is the home of all of us, so we are all required to be proper hosts." The brunette could hear her mother's voice over and over in her head as she ran back and forth from the backyard to the kitchen refilling trays of food, provided meaningless conversation with the guests, and did anything else that came up that her parents asked her to do. Within the first hour of the party, she was exhausted.

"Looking good girl!" Grandpa Marvin called to her when she ran past him and to the bathroom, distressed after getting barbecue sauce on her brand new white blouse she wore for the first time that day. Clearly, he had not noticed her despair.

Chuckie laughed at his sister jogging her flip-flopped feet away from the party before turning to go greet co-workers of Kira's, who had just arrived. He was very thankful for her help, even though she didn't have much of a choice to begin with.

* * *

"Oh Howie, I love what they've done to the place!"

The Deville family arrived to the graduation party together, Betty and Howard leading the pack, followed by their twins Phil and Lil. Good friends of the Finsters, Betty could not help but gush about the latest construction their friends had done to their home.

"We haven't really been here in awhile," Howard remarked, quickly scanning the place.

"It's been ages!"

The twins looked at each other, shaking their heads and hiding their smirks. The construction on the Finster home had been finished for about two years and the Devilles were acting as if it were brand new. Lil even remembered telling her parents when the construction was finished – Chas and Kira had extended an invitation then for Howard and Betty to come out for dinner and check it out – but with work and other distractions, time had flew by and the couple was just now seeing it.

The family was in the middle of small talk when Kimi was leaving the bathroom and spotted them. Large and voluptuous Betty with small Howard was always a sight to Kimi, who thought it was adorable how they were so different in size and yet obviously in love. "Hey Mr. and Mrs. Deville," she called cheerfully from a small distance.

"Hello Kimi!" Betty replied, always happy to see the teenager. Howard greeted her as well, a little more laidback than his wife. Phil was also happy to see his good friend, but Lil did not know how to feel. She was dreading the awkwardness that was sure to accompany this graduation party and didn't anticipate it happening as soon as her family walked through the door.

Her old best friend standing alongside her parents and brother stopped Kimi from walking up to the family, giving them a big hug, and showing them to the party. She could imagine herself as if times were different, running to them with enthusiasm and saving the best hug for her very best friend. Now, as much as she had no remaining animosity toward Lil, she was unsure about what to do next. She couldn't pretend that things were the way they used to be.

"Hey Phil, Lil," Kimi said. Without waiting for a response she also added, "The party is right outside in the backyard. _Everybody's_ out there, I just came in here to change my shirt." The young girl sighed as she looked down at the faded barbecue sauce on her shirt that she almost got out and shook her head. Hopefully some Shout and a cycle in the wash would get it out for her.

"Thank you, Dear," Betty replied.

Phil and Lil allowed their parents to walk ahead of them and go to the party while they watched Kimi leave the room. Her blue jean shorts cuffed her bottom perfectly and her long, endless legs led her to her destination. The twins couldn't keep their eyes off of her, for different reasons. Lil truly missed her friend.

* * *

"You sure nobody's going to slash my tires for showing up here with you, right?"

Tommy was in the passenger seat of a cherry red drop-top Camaro, Dil sitting in the backseat with his headphones in his ear. His parents, Didi and Stu, had already left for the open house and the boys had found their own ride.

A beautiful, blue-eyed blond.

_Is she serious_? he wondered, turning to look at his female companion and read her face. Before he could, however, she began to laugh.

"I take it you don't know." She shook her head and turned back to the road.

It took a few years, but the older they got, the closer Tommy was with his cousin. Once Tommy arrived back home and found out Angelica was in town, he had hit her up and told her everything that had been going on. First surprised at how her little cousin had been behaving, she spared the lecture when she found out how much he had learned over the summer and how he wanted to fix things.

Tommy decided to laugh too. "I think you'll be good."

Angelica knew that her cousin had it in him to be a ladies' man. After all, it was in the genes: she had broken her share of hearts herself. Sure, it may have skipped Dil, but not Tommy, definitely not Tommy. In elementary school all the girls had a crush on him, after all, he was the courageous, respectful, charismatic and fun kid in the classroom, but he wasn't interested in girls right away. Once he was, he enjoyed the attention he would get, but Kimi was always there. Now, Angelica couldn't believe that Tommy's ladies' _man_ness had got in the middle of Lil and Kimi's friendship and caused all that life changing drama.

"You ready for all this?" she asked him.

He didn't know.

He had spent the whole day and previous night thinking about this moment.

Was he ready?

What was he going to do?

"I guess even if I'm not, I can't just turn back now."

She nodded. "Definitely not if I'm driving, wasting my gas!" she let out another laugh, hoping to listen up the seriousness of the conversation.

To Tommy, it was still serious.

It was time to make things right.


	21. Chapter 21

"Finster! Check you out, you're finally graduating!"

Upon arrival, Angelica could not contain her excitement about seeing the older version of her favorite red haired boy she used to enjoy bullying celebrate his graduation and bee lined her way to the backyard to congratulate him. Now that she was attending college in California, it was not often that she was in town to see the old gang, and she could not remember the last time she had laid eyes on Chuckie, it had been so long. Secretly, she had always had a soft spot for the younger boy, her fondness for him growing as they both got older and out of that "the opposite sex gross, little kid" stage. Onlookers would translate Angelica's affection into a crush for Chuckie, but it did not run that deep – he was just that cute little ginger she used to pick on and it gave her a soft spot for him.

Chuckie was a great friend to her. The moments that they spent together, as they grew fewer and more far between as they aged, were always special. He was a genuine guy. When they were in middle school and all of their parents shipped them to camp for the summer, some nights Angelica and Chuckie would sneak out of their cabins just to talk. Always crushing on someone, that period of time Angelica had focused her adoration on Blake Newpon, only to find out that he preferred girls like Brittany Sanders who was already going to third base with boys. She was crushed, but she could always count on Chuckie to help her feel better. She had stopped mistreating him, especially in high school when he was still having a hard time coming out of his shell. Angelica, of course, was at the top of the social hierarchy throughout high school and everybody knew that she was Team Chuckie, never understanding their relationship, but being aware of it. The only time they spent together was quality time, so people would never understand. They did not need to.

Angelica threw her arms around Chuckie enthusiastically and gave him a great hug before planting her lips in the middle of his cheek. She was always this way and Chuckie loved it. She was one of the only girls for a long time to give him any kind of attention, and when she quit bullying him, the positive attention made him feel over the top, especially because everyone else used to target him in school. Her presence in his life made a huge difference, as his did in hers. He did used to have a crush on her, for a long time he did, but they never spent enough time to ever develop anything more, and that was fine.

"I'm glad you were able to make it," Chuckie replied, hugging her just as lovingly. "Thanks for coming."

They released each other and Angelica beamed her beautiful pearls, giving him a smile. "Of course I couldn't miss it. I had to see you one more time before you became big man on campus. My parents sent their love, and put a big check in this card for you."

"You know Charlotte and Uncle Drew have to ball out," Dil said, shaking his head. "Congratulations, man."

"Yeah, congrats Chuckie. I can't believe you're going to college," Tommy said. "When you leaving?"

"In about two more weeks."

* * *

Overlooking the backyard was a window to Kimi's bedroom, where the found a sheer, halter, polka dot blouse to wear back outside. She thought it was cuter than the original top she had on, and this time she promised herself the only other work she'd be doing at the rest of this open house was being social and _not_ bringing out any more food. She was going to march outside and enlighten her father on her decision when she heard Angelica's voice over the other's guests enter her room. Peaking outside, she saw Angelica embracing her brother while her ex and his brother looked on.

Kimi sighed, forcing herself to ignore the heaviness in her heart as she laid eyes on her first love once more. She had not heard much about him all summer. _Out of sight, out of mind_…after all summer of not thinking about him and doing her own thing, as soon as he stepped forth in her line of vision, unbeknownst to even himself, here he was.

She knew he would be. Not only was he Chuckie's best friend, still, but also Didi and Stu had already said that the boys would be showing up after they did. She had been mentally trying to prepare herself for the moment they would be together, wondering how it should go. Should she speak to him? Ignore him and pretend he wasn't there?

She continued to peer outside her window. She could not hear the conversation the four were having, but she still watched on. Tommy…As much time as she spent trying to get over him, seeing him again was reminding her of _every_thing. Time was working to heal her wounded heart; she no longer felt hatred when anything about him came up. She just felt…curious. About him. About everything.

She forced herself to pull her eyes from him, settling on where the Devilles were sitting and talking to Chuckie's aunt and uncle, while Lil sat at the table faking interest in whatever they were chatting about. Kimi could tell; she could always tell when Lil was genuinely interested in something…best friends just know those things.

She tore herself away from the window, not even caring to notice Phil chatting it up with a couple of the kids from school that decided to drop by. She enjoyed the time she spent with Phil, but she couldn't bring herself to see him as more than just a good friend. He wasn't a girl, like her Lillian, and he wasn't her boyfriend, like Tommy had been – no amount of time they spent together could replace those two in her life.

_Why? Why did they have to do this to me, betray me? After all that I've done for the two of them and all we've been through, how could they hurt me so?_

It was scary, all of those questions resurfacing in her mind after months of staying doormat. It was painful and hurtful; she wanted so much to be passed that point in her life. She really wished she could pack herself in one of her big brother's suitcases and leave with him, just so that she wouldn't have to face anyone again and deal with these feelings.

She wanted to forgive them and move on, but how could she? Lil was never really her friend…Friends just don't get pregnant by their best friends' boyfriends. And Tommy, what could she possibly do with him? They could never just be friends when they used to love each other. It was a hopeless situation.

What she really wanted to do was erase it from ever happening.

* * *

Instead of running off with Dil and Angelica to get plates of food, Tommy stayed with Chuckie and made a little bit more small talk, circulating the party and greeting all the guests. Tommy spotted a bunch of girls from school he had occasionally fooled with, though most of the girls were really just mutual friends of the boys. Tommy was waiting for the right time to ask what was really on his mind.

"Is Kimi okay?"

Chuckie paused. He had tried his hardest to avoid passing judgment on the whole Tommy/Lil/Kimi fiasco, though if he was a huge, built jock or something (and if they weren't friends) he would have punched Tommy's lights out a long time ago.

"She's been doing okay."

"I haven't seen her around here."

He felt…wrong for hurting Kimi and asking her brother about her, when he had every right to hate him too, but it was something he needed to do.

Chuckie didn't really know what to say.

"You know, Chuck? If I could go back in time, trust me, I would."

His friend nodded. He heard the sincerity in his friend's voice…he _knew_ Tommy, he had got caught up. He wasn't himself when all that was going on, but he finally had his wake up call. He just didn't know what else Tommy could do about it now, what was done was done.

"She's around here somewhere. I don't know what to tell you though, Tommy. She's just been doing her. Her and Phil, I hate to tell you, they've been hanging out a _lot_."

He felt it, the tinge of jealousy, but he ignored it.

"What about Lil? Has she been good?"

Chuckie shrugged, and in unison, both guys rested their eyes on the brunette who was obviously not enjoying her time at the party. As Phil played social butterfly, she was sitting alone staring at everything, but the people at the party. She was avoiding it, the eye contact, the emotions. She looked so beautiful to feel so sad, the hair Tommy was so used to running his fingers through in soft curls while her soft, peach skin was blanketed by a light, floral, purple and white sundress…a breathing oxymoron.

"She's been as ghost and you've been. Kimi never says anything about her, so I don't know."

Tommy shook his head. "Everybody would be having a lot more fun if I wasn't the one to ruin everything."

"Tommy, you know, don't even worry about it anymore. Everybody can just start the year brand new with no pain, none of that."

Tommy, he didn't say anything at first. He looked up to where Kimi's bedroom window was hoping to catch a glimpse of her, but instead his eyes met her drawn blinds. He watched Lil, who was saying something to her father before going back to being visibly uncomfortable. His brother was at the table with his parents, smashing his face with food while Angelica was deeply engaged in conversation with Chuckie's grandparents at their table. Phil was nowhere in sight.

"I'm about to go inside for a minute."

As soon as he stepped inside the house, Tommy was definitely expecting to find Kimi and Phil together, cuddled up in a corner somewhere laughing and conversing, just having a good time amongst themselves. He pictured them, Phil's arm wrapped around Kimi's waist, pulling her close and whispering in her ear. The image was enough to send him into a frenzy and he fought hard to stifle his feelings.

Instead, Phil was coming from the bathroom when Tommy ran across him.

"Hey Man, how's it going?" Phil was enthused to see his homeboy, despite all of the consequences of Tommy's actions.

"Hey, wassup?" Tommy was trying to get over his shock of Phil not being with Kimi, his shock turning into relief and allowing him to return to his controlled nature.

"Nothing, I'm just ready to get this year going and over with so I can get out of here like Chuck is. Where you been all summer?"

The two chatted it up for a minute before Phil made his way back to the party.

Tommy shook his head. He really wanted Kimi to be the first person he talked to, who he apologized to – it was only right. Chuckie said she was around, but what if she left when she saw him arrive? Did she even know he was there?

He did not feel like rejoining the party. There was too much on his mind for him to go back out there and be social; he'd probably be sitting at the table with his parents feeling the same way Lil had to be feeling. Besides, he didn't want her to feel awkward with him being there. Maybe his presence was the reason she was so uncomfortable.

He made his way to the front door.

"I'm just going to sit on the porch and clear my head for a minute," he muttered aloud to himself.

He pushed the door open and it was met with some resistance.

"Ow! Hey!"

He accidentally hit the person already sitting on the porch with the door.

_And he recognized that voice anywhere._

* * *

AN: Hey you guys, I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Thanks for continuing to read. I love hearing from all of you, so feel free to review with any ideas or suggestions to have as I end this story. Have a blessed and great day.


	22. Chapter 22

The younger you are, the less you realize how made you have it. Children and teenagers spend the rest of their lives longing for the freedom that comes with being an adult without fully understanding the tradeoff: responsibility. It is not until too late, when you are paying bills and looking for jobs, that you realize you did not know as much as you think you did, and were really looking forward to the wrong thing.

Unfortunately, that was not how life works. Lessons are learned _after_ the mistake is made and instead of appreciating what you had, you have to deal with the consequences instead. You always strive for what you do not have and doing that makes it easy to overlook what you _do_. You want to turn sixteen, get your license, and get a car – you get the car and start complaining about the gas bill. You cannot wait to graduate high school only to go to college and despise it there too. You want a boyfriend, but you do not want to deal with the insecurities that follow having one. The security with being in a relationship is nice, but then you start to feel trapped and discover your partner is not really want you want – that is when you try to change them. It is just so much. The older you get, the more you know, and the less satisfied you are with life because things get so much more complicated.

Despite the fun and company in the backyard, Kimi found herself sitting on the front porch watching the children of the open house guests play, run around, and enjoy jumping in the bounce house the Finsters rented for the day. She enjoyed seeing how invincible and carefree they were. They were not letting every day life get them down, the way Kimi was allowing life to get her down. She literally watched a little boy fall hard on the concrete sidewalk, scrape his knee, get back up and start playing as blood dripped down his leg as if he did not even feel it – it was the most freakish, amazing, liberating thing to watch, for a second. It almost made Kimi leap up, strut her stuff back to her backyard, and confront all of her problems: namely Tommy and Lil. Just to settle a few things, because she felt like it was time.

Her balls shrunk before her thoughts could finish and here she was, still outside on the porch watching the kids play around. As more guests arrived, she greeted them and informed them of where the festivities were taken place. She was happy to see Susie and her parents arrive with a few of Susie's nieces and nephews in tow, and they had chatted for a minute. It just was difficult for Kimi to concentrate on much of anything when her mind was scattered all over the place.

As much as she wished she could retreat to her bedroom to avoid the drama of being around the people who betrayed her, she stayed where she was, even after Susie got up to join the graduation party. Watching children play and be carefree was much easier than facing her anxieties.

Of course, as if fate would have it, it was not up to Kimi.

Next thing she knew, she was slammed in the back by the front door being opened.

"Ow! Hey!"

She scooted up away from the door and turned around. "You know, next time–"

Laying eyes on the purpose of her dismay, she stopped.

In a red t-shirt and brown cargo shorts, Tommy towered over the petite brunette with a surprised expression on his face. Just as she had not anticipated him coming out there, he did not anticipate her being out there. Although he had been spending time looking for her, once they were united, he had no idea what to do or say. He was overwhelmed with an indescribable emotion.

They held eye contact with one another. It was at though time had stopped. Kimi's breath was caught in her chest, her heart pounding so hard she could hear it. There was so much she had thought to say to him when the opportunity arose, but now that it was here, her mind was blank.

The two of them had never had the closure they both needed when they ended their relationship. The hurt was too much for Kimi to bear that when Tommy kept approaching her to explain and beg for forgiveness, she had always pushed him away. She denied the fact that she _needed_ to talk to him and _know…_the how and why he could allow such a thing to happen. Eventually he gave up trying.

But seeing him this close to her reminded her: she needed to understand. She needed this closure.

"I really want to talk to you," Tommy finally said, breaking their silence. Inside his head as he formulated the expression he sounded so defiant and confident, but in the air his words appeared nervous and unsure. He couldn't stand to be rejected again, as she had done so many times before. He was really trying to make things right; if she didn't let him, there may not be another chance.

He stepped outside, closing the door and sat down on the porch beside her. _Tommy, just do it. Just sit down, say what you have to say, and see what she does. Don't be afraid…think of the worst thing that can happen, and know that it probably won't._ The worst thing that could happen was easy, Kimi would get up and his mission would be aborted.

She remained seated, only moving to the right a few more inches away from him to increase the distance. "Talk to me? What for?" In her mind, she was telling herself to be nice and be strong, just to prove that she had moved on and nothing he could do would ever affect her anymore. Instead, her voice sounded sharp, piercing Tommy's ego like sharp daggers. And she betrayed the persona she was trying to display.

He held back, searching in his mind the right thing to say to make her soften before being hit with a realization: it was time to be real. _Fuck it._

"We just need to talk. We need to do something about all this, today." When Kimi didn't respond he asked, "This doesn't feel weird to you?"

In her silence, Kimi was in her head searching for the right answers. At this moment, she knew he was right, that they needed to figure things out, but she didn't know how. She never thought that she would have this opportunity, and as much as she replayed it in her head time and time again, she realized she wasn't really prepared for it.

"Tommy…I just—you know, it's just been so long and I really, I don't even know what to say anymore." Her thoughts kept shifting. Her voice kept trailing off. The normally eloquent communicator was at a loss for words.

The front door opened up and it was one of the guests retrieving their little boy. When they left, Tommy replied, "I'm sorry, Kim. I'm so sorry for what I did. I just want things to go back to the way they were when we all hung out and everyone were friends. I want you to forgive me."

Him getting so straight to the point surprised Kimi, who was used to Tommy giving her bullshit answers to the questions she asked. When they were together he hated communicating. In the beginning they had a lot to talk about, they were that couple that was best friends who could talk about anything, but when things started going downhill there was a distinct difference in Tommy marking the beginning of the end.

She knew he had been cheating. Girls, they always know. It was funny how slick he thought he was, he thought he was getting away with it, but Kimi could pinpoint the moment it happened – he started treating her differently. When she first realized it, it hurt…she had trusted him so much, only to find out he was messing around with other girls. She should've expected it. He was respectful of her decision to wait to have sex and she was naïve to think that he would wait with her; she learned the hard way that that wasn't the case.

But she _understood_. Sex and love were two different things so she forgave him and accepted it. Put up with it. She got used to fighting for her man. She couldn't fight all of the girls he messed with so she picked and chose: girls who got out of line always felt her wrath. Other girls, depending on the day and how she was feeling, sometimes didn't have to push her buttons to meet her fists – just messing with her boyfriend was reason enough.

Constantly, Kimi would open her heart to Tommy, show him her tears, but it would be in vain. "_Do we have to talk about this? Kimi, don't come crying to me, I hate it when you cry. Can you stop nagging all the time? You know you're the one I love, these other girls mean nothing to me, that's why I don't want to pressure you. You know how I am, if you don't like it, you don't have to be with me."_

Now, he finally understood. Now, he wanted to change. Now, when things were over, he wanted to talk and listen and give her what she deserved, when their relationship was over.

Kimi sighed. "I had been waiting for this for so long, Tommy. I was waiting for you to change, for you to talk to me, to be able to get everything off of my chest, but now…it's like, everything is over. I mean, I forgive you because I have to let it go. It just…you hurt me so much for so long. Why couldn't you just wait for me if you loved me so much? You saw what it was doing to me—"

"Kimi—"

She raised her hand up to cut him off. "_Wait_, I'm not finished. You and Lil _really_ crossed the line. You got her _pregnant_. You didn't even wear condoms with these girls, but you told me you loved _me_. Do you know how stupid I look?" Her pitch was increasing, her words more passionate. She had wanted to hit him, fight him like she did those many girls, she couldn't even tell you how many. "Do you know how stupid I _feel_? I used to love you and you didn't deserve it and I used to ask myself why time and time again. When I'd come up with a shitty list of answers, it made me feel worse, because they weren't enough, but I still felt the way I did."

Here it was, the moment that Tommy had been trying to avoid for all this time, guilt. Finally, he was hearing what he had been doing to the girl he claimed to love, and it made him feel as bad, even worse, than he had anticipated, especially because the conversation was not over – he knew he would hear more to make him feel terrible.

He resisted the urge to reach over and hold her hand, to comfort her with affection and make all the pain go away, but he knew she would reject him. He would have to face the daunting task of using his words _only_.

"I was an idiot Kim."

"I know."

"I really…I can't even explain why I did the things I did. You didn't deserve it and if I could go back in time, I would do things differently. I just got caught up in what I thought I should be doing and how it was making me feel, and I didn't even think about you like I should've. I thought that loving you was enough, that I was sparing you by messing around and leaving these other girls, but I was so wrong."

A sinking feeling was in her chest. Kimi struggled to swallow the lump in her throat as her eyes burned from fighting her tears. "I just—I just wish you would've, you know…" she shook her head and looked down, before looking up and staring Tommy deep into his brown eyes. She peered through his soul, the pain and sincerity in his heart manifesting in his eyes. "…I just wish you would've talked to me then, comforted me back then. We used to be able to talk about anything and when that changed…I used to long for how things used to be. You're just now wanting to get back to that, but I used to always feel that way."

It was an intense moment for both of them.

"I really loved you, Tommy, from the bottom of my heart. I probably still would if I didn't stop myself."

"You know, I spent the summer with my grandparents and took a lot of time to think about who I am, who I was, and everything that I was doing," he revealed to her. "Before, I was immature, but you have to make mistakes to learn new lessons. All of this made me understand that I can't just think about myself like I was doing. I hurt everybody, Kimi. Not just you, but _everybody_. I have a lot of guilt on my shoulders about what I did. Yeah, it's too late to fix the past, but we can move on and grow from this."

"But, it's like…where do we go from here? What do we even do? We can't even—We can't be together anymore."

Tommy nodded. He knew, of course they couldn't be together. It just sucked knowing that you ruined the best thing you ever had. "We just have to take things one day at a time."

They sat in silence for a minute before Kimi reached her hand over and rested it on his, flashing him a brilliant smile. It was enough to cause chills down Tommy's spine, and yet, his body got hot. "Thanks, Tommy, for this. I'm ready to move on."

With that, she stood up and then reached for his hand again to assist him with standing so that she could tightly wrap her arms around him. He had missed being in her arms and missed her amazing hugs, things he had taken for granted. He got a whiff of her candy-scented hair, taking note of everything else he'd be missing. "You don't always realize what you have until it's gone. I just thank you for helping me make this right."

She broke away from him, smiling once more before letting it fade. She was remembering all of the good times they had together. It was going to be different going back to being friends, but she knew that was what they needed to do.

His eyes followed the young girl as she went back to join the party, but he did not go with her. Feeling relieved and hopeful, it was time to approach Lil…and this, he knew, could get ugly.


	23. Chapter 23

As dusk approached, the guests were in unanimous agreement that Chuckie's open house was one of the best of all time. With music blaring and Kimi playing deejay, the energetic crowd had turned a section of the backyard into a dance floor. It was a successful graduation party, Chas and Kira declared proudly, as they made their way to go dancing with the other party guests who were getting their groove on. Everything had run smoothly, they had a great time, and things were just getting started.

Angelica had invited Tommy up with her to dance and the two were enjoying being partners. Because of her blond hair contrasted his brunette head and the rhythm at how they moved their bodies, the two were a great looking couple who captivated many sitting down who only wanted to watch. Betty and Howard were on the floor together, Phil with a cheerleader from school, and Lil fought to stop her eyes from lingering on her old fling and his cousin, but it was hard. She watched him, a cocktail mixture of emotions and thoughts running through her mind – why hadn't she heard from him all summer? The last time they had seen each other was not on a bad note, but him keeping his distance made things confusing. Sure, she knew things were complicated, but how could he go this entire day without at least saying hi.

She shook her head, her eyes stinging as tears welled up within them. She hated feeling like the only one in a crummy mood while everyone else around her was having the time of their lives. And yet, that's how the day went. Her parents reunited with their friends the Pickles, Finsters, and Carmichaels, Phil was a social butterfly as girl after girl each hour made sure to get his attention, and Lil…she still refused to leave her comfort zone, her spot at the table, feeling insecure about how alone she felt, and appeared to others.

Her mind was a torture chamber as she played out different scenarios in her head. What if she went up to Kimi, what would she say? She imagined being best friends again, running around helping Kimi ease the burden of hosting and cleaning, and then running off to enjoy themselves at the end. There would be no tension or awkward silences between them, only laughs and inside jokes.

If she had not miscarried, her baby would probably be with her.

Her and Tommy's baby.

A beautiful, curly haired bundle of joy with large bright eyes. He or she would have stolen the show at the open house. Going from guest to guest, Lil could hear them all complimenting her happy and gorgeous child as if they were truly in this world. Tommy would be so in love with his child, so in adoration that the baby would not leave his sight. For the majority of the party, the baby would be under his attention, in his arms. He and Lil would be a happy couple, with the baby making three to their lovely family, ideally.

Even if Tommy did decide not to be with Lil, he would still be a doting father. And Lil, at least she would have had someone to keep her occupied at this shindig everyone was enjoying but her. She was ready for it to be over so she could be back in her bed with her journals to _write_. Writing had become her therapy. Her drug. Her way to cope. She used writing to quit feeling, to only think. She didn't mind her thoughts when there was no emotion behind them, no matter what the thought was. Her collection of pieces were in numerous journals, on numerous, isolated sheets of papers stuffed in shoeboxes underneath the bed, but the most precious to her was a small composition notebook that she had purchased one rainy, summer afternoon. After another emotional argument with her parents she had run out without an umbrella and just jogged as the rain hit her face and skin, soaking through her clothes, until she found herself at the store in the stationary section.

Once she made it back home, threw her wet clothes on the floor, and hopped on the bed, she reached for a Sharpie and wrote on the cover of her notebook _Letters to My Unborn Child._ The pain was still that deep.

* * *

As the night continued, the guests continued to dwindle down to a smaller number. A few of Chas and Kira's friends lingered on and once the food, cake, and other important items were moved into the house, they all transitioned into the living room by the wet bar to continue their good time. Kimi retired from her short career as deejay and made her way back inside the house after saying goodbye to the remaining guests and putting on a mix of slow songs for those who still wanted to dance. Chuckie took Angelica to be his partner and the two talked and two-stepped underneath the stars.

Not surprisingly, Phil had caught a ride with a girl he knew from school. He was living the life, girls upon girls flocking to him…so many options. He enjoyed them all, let them know what was really good, his game plan much different from Tommy's. When he dated, he was committed, but because he was so young and fickle his relationships were always short and meaningless – besides, he couldn't truly be with a girl and then cheat behind her back. He didn't want anything long-term because he was just having fun; that was what life was about.

The Pickles brothers were in the front yard, both with different agendas for the duration of the evening. "Tommy, I'm _this close_ to just walking home," Dil grumbled in annoyance, upset his whole day had been spent at the graduation party. Whereas Tommy was the golden boy of the two, Dil was the edgier one and would have much rather been out with his own friends who he had more in common with. The sixteen year old entering his junior year was more of a wild child and gave his parents more problems because he liked to do what he liked to do and lived his life the way he wanted to live it.

"What you about to get into?" Tommy was well aware of his brother's actions, as all siblings usually are, and despite their ever-growing differences, they have an extremely close relationship.

"Same old, same old," he replied.

Same old, same old meant the usual troublemaking routine that Dil had. He linked up with his friends, he had one who was living alone, and they usually played beer pong, smoked pot, and chilled with girls who liked doing the same old things.

Tommy shook his head, grinned, and then tousled his brother's curly locks, despite how much the ginger hates it. "Okay bro, I have some unfinished business here so I'm staying for awhile. I'll cover for you."

Dil pulled away from his brother and hopped off the porch. "Thanks bro. See you later."

Tommy watched his younger brother disappear into the night. Hopefully the stage that he was in, he would grow out of soon. He watched his parents age right before his eyes with the worry that they had for Dil, who was unashamed about stumbling in the house inebriated past curfew on various occasions. Summer was the worst because every time he was gone, they knew what he was doing, but he was out of their control. A little experimenting won't kill him, Tommy reminded himself and told them, but still…he wasn't sure how convinced he was.

The rising senior let out a small sigh. He had stalled long enough. The clock was running out and it was time to talk to Lil before the night was over. Lillian Deville. Unbeknownst to her, he watched her throughout the night. She did not leave the place she was sitting, she was not having a good time. She was like a broken soul, a beautiful broken soul, and consistently he caught himself wanting to make his way to her…to put a smile back on her face. Lil, who used to be so feisty, was a shadow of her former self. Because of him.

There was something about her he couldn't let go. As much as he wanted and needed to, he felt it was his duty to save her, to protect her, and in a sense it was, fore he was to blame for the way that she was. There was something so captivating about a troubled soul and Lil was no exception: now she was even more mysterious and engaging than before. By looking at her you could see, deep down inside she was innocent, too innocent to have already experienced the pains of life. The lifetime tragedy of losing a child will haunt her forever and Tommy will always be associated with that.

It was time.

He walked back inside. Passed the stairs leading to Kimi's bedroom. Passed the drunken laughs and conversations of his parents and the parents of his friends. The slow music Kimi left to play led Tommy to the backyard where traces of the party still existed: tables and chairs and empty tents. His eyes went to his cousin and her red-haired partner, the lone couple dancing on the grass underneath the stars, wrapped in one another's arms, reeking of a love they had yet to truly recognize. It was nice, just watching them dance.

Before long, however, his heartstrings were tugged, and his eyes turned to the only girl sitting down in the backyard. She was watching him, but once he caught her gaze, she turned away quickly. Agonizingly. Beautifully.

It was time.


	24. Chapter 24

She could not meet his eyes. She could not let him see her watching him. She instead fixated her gaze on the lone couple on the dance floor, feigning deep interest, as if it was the most fascinating scene in the backyard. In a sense, it was. The only other two people out there in the backyard, just so into each other, as if they were the _only_ two in the backyard. The kind of romance you see in movies, the ones you do not think exist until you see it for yourself. There are people who have those movie moments in reality, experiencing that movie love daily. The kind of love Lil wanted to witness, herself.

Tommy approached the table slowly. Timidly. He had no idea what to really say, what to really do. He wanted to be confident. _Strong_. Wanted so much to know the exact things, like he used to, to make things right with Lil. To get the outcome he wanted in the end. His intentions were good this time, but now he was a different person, as was she. It was really time to speak from the heart.

"Is this seat taken?"

Lil's attention was so preoccupied by the dance floor, catching up in the music, that she had not seen the young man approach. His voice surprised her, so deep and rhythmic, that she turned toward him quickly, her eyes meeting his gaze. She could feel them pouring into her, searching for her soul, making her uncomfortable. Her eyes shifted once again, her demeanor sinking.

Clearly it wasn't taken, and since the girl decided not to reply, Tommy took that as an invitation to sit down since she didn't push him away.

"Out of all the seats out here, why this one?" she asked.

_Damn_.

He was hoping this would go smoothly, that they could just talk, with no interrogation. Lil was good for it, asking questions and making him focus his mind on other things, instead of allowing him to just say what he wanted to say. She challenged him, made him think harder about things.

He didn't want to answer a question like this. Of course the answer was obvious, he wanted to sit next to her. He didn't want to tell her that, didn't want to have to say the words about the way he was feeling. Saying your words out loud instead of leaving them in your thoughts made them come alive…it turns into something real.

Tommy slightly shrugged. "Why not this one?"

Lil rolled her eyes, the response more irritating than she anticipated. "Okay," she replied.

Tommy shook his head. "I want to talk to you, Lil."

Those magically words almost made the young girl melt, despite all of her confusion, and pain, and anger she felt toward the young boy. The moment she had been imagining, picturing, the opportunity to see him and talk to him again. She had imagined this conversation many times before, envisioned it in her head, wrote about it in songs and poems. Angry scenarios, emotional scenarios, dramatic scenarios…none of the images prepared her for _this_, the time that it would really happen.

"I just don't know what to say anymore," Lil confessed. Her voice was not broken, was not sharp…just soft and sweet. Vulnerable. Innocent. An element of sadness was traced in the pitch, but it was so soft and just sweet that it engaged him. He hung onto it, because she said them just right. To the point.

"I'm sorry, Lil, for this whole year. You deserve to be treated better. All of this, I shouldn't have put you through."

She nodded. Looked over to him, but did not look him in his eyes. Still, she was quiet, just open, listening. What else could she do, but listen? She didn't know what to say. She appreciated it. There was something about him that seemed sincere, even trusting.

A response would have helped, but he decided to keep going. She wanted to hear everything he had to say, and he knew she did. She was always interested in him. She was still the same. "I should have stayed in touch with you and checked on you. Are you doing okay now?"

He was the only person to ask her this, how she was doing. Sure, others generally ask her how she's doing, but the way Tommy was talking, she knew he was specifically asking her about how she was doing about the baby. Something that she needed to talk about, after bottling it in for so long. People wanted her to move on and she gave them that, she always wanted to please others, even at the expense of herself. Of her happiness. Of her sanity.

She shrugged, shaking her head sullenly. "I mean, it was meant to happen. It might even be for the best. I can't take care of myself, let alone a baby right now."

_Baby._

"But…you know," she took a deep breath. "I think about it a lot still. Every day. It would be with us today if things turned out differently."

Tommy didn't know the role he would have played had the baby been born. He hadn't really thought about it. Back then, all he knew was that he didn't want to be with Lil, things weren't working out with Kimi, and that he did not want to be a dad. He didn't _want_ to be a dad. He couldn't tell his parents. He couldn't face that.

He just hated how much it changed her. He hated the whole situation, hated having to go through that in addition to everything else. He hated her for it happening, hated himself for not being smarter. Promised himself it would never happen again.

"It's just so many questions I have about it. Was it a boy or a girl? How would it look? How much would it love me?" Her voice broke, her eyes welling up with tears as she tried to fight through them. "My baby doesn't even have a name. I don't even know what it was, who I'm mourning. I just wonder _why_…what did I do to have to go through this?"

She wiped her glistening eyes, refusing to let the tears fall in front of him. "It's some real heavy shit," she said finally.

He felt it. The weight on her shoulders transferred to his and he could feel what she was feeling. The pain. The confusion. The sadness. He was guilty about how he had been acting, what he had been thinking…he had no idea she was going through with what she was. He hadn't cared or even thought about it until now.

"I mean…I know you didn't really want it…but, I just want to know how you feel about it."

She almost didn't say it. She knew it was something Tommy would want to avoid talking about, yet she couldn't hold it in. She needed to know.

Tommy stared at her, watched her, the purple fabric on her skin the perfect contrast under the moonlight. Her eyes and hair a perfect, matching hue of brown…she was almost the mother of his first child. A child the mixture of them, of him and her, made because of _passion_.

And maybe even love.

"I don't really know how I feel about it," Tommy confessed. He wanted so much to hold her gaze and to reach out and rest his hands on her flesh. "I just hate that I'm responsible for putting you through all this."

She sighed. "I feel like I'm the only one who cared about my baby," she revealed, looking down in her lap at her folded hands. She could feel his eyes on her as she continued. "The whole summer's gone by and I'm still in this funk because everyone is expecting me to be over it, but how can you place a time limit on when someone should be over the death of their baby? I know it wasn't here, the timing wasn't right, but it's like, no one cares. This is my first time really talking about it.

"The Kimi stuff hurt, it really did, and I know I put myself in the position to get hurt, but my baby was innocent in all this. And all I wanted from you…Tommy, all I needed was a text message or a phone call knowing that you cared too…Maybe not about the baby, but at least about me."

Her words hung in the air as the stars hovered over them in the night sky, the silence following adding to the intensity of the moment. On one hand Lil wanted to stand up and leave, run from the situation and ignore it once again, but on the other hand, she liked it, sitting there, talking. It was deep, but it needed to be done, and it felt _good_. Therapeutic, for both of them.

Tommy reached over for her then, daring to run his fingers through her curls one good time. The gesture sent a chill down her spine, reminding her once more of the nights they spent between the sheets, his lips on hers, hers on his. She jumped, but she didn't pull away; she welcomed his touch.

"Lil, I do care," he finally said, quietly, purposefully. "I care about _you_. The way I was acting, the way I treated girls, not just you, but all girls, was wrong and I needed to get away to clear my head. I wasn't mad at you or avoiding you, I spent the summer with my grandparents trying to get my life back together. I needed to figure things out before I could talk to anybody."

She nodded and turned to him. "Good you have everything figured out now. At least one of us does."

He grinned sheepishly, an expression that almost brought a smile to his companion's lips. He was so good at comforting her, even when he didn't realize it. I guess things like that came easy when you were once in love, even if it was one-sided.

"I don't nearly have everything figured out," he told her, "but I do know that I miss the gang and all of us hanging out. I know you and Kimi need to make up – I feel bad for getting in the middle of all that. I'd never treat her the way I did, or you the way I did ever again. You both were too good for all that. I don't even know what I was thinking."

"Do you still love her?"

He paused. "What?"

The question caught him off guard and after she repeated it, he still struggled to comprehend it.

But it was simple.

"Do you still love her?" she repeated.

_Did you ever, really love her?_

"No."

_No._

"That's it? Just no?"

He nodded, his answer frustrating her so much that she leapt to her feet and began to walk off, tears welling in her eyes. She didn't understand…after how long they had been together and what they had been through, how could he not still love her? If he didn't love her, then where did that leave Lil?

"Wait—Lil," Tommy got up and charged after her, catching her by the arm before she wandered off too far. She was heading toward the front, refusing to enter through the house and instead walking around, but she hadn't got far.

"Tommy, let me go!" she struggled to pull from his grasp, but it didn't work. Within seconds she was pressed against him, balling her eyes out in his arms, shaking her head. She wanted so much to leave, but he wouldn't let her go, so she relished in the moment.

"Lil, please stop crying." With one arm around her waist and the other stroking her hair he spoke to her soothingly. Before, he wouldn't have had the patience for this. He would have let the girl run off, shrugged off her pain because he tried, but this time trying wasn't enough. She needed to feel whole again.

"I'm just so fucked up right now," she sobbed.

So they stood there, her in his arms, head buried in his chest, and he let her cry. She cried for herself, for him, for their baby, for her friendship…she cried out the pain, out the confusion, out the rejection…She cried until her sobs broke into chokes and her tears began to dry. She cried because he didn't return her love. She cried because the love was still there.

When she stopped she silently looked up at him, her brokenness so mystical and magical. He removed his hand from her hair and cupped her chin, their brown eyes meeting again, connecting, reading each other. "You're so beautiful," he whispered.

Her breath caught in her throat. She felt lightheaded and dizzy. Butterflies fluttered their wings in her stomach, this was different from how she used to feel. This was _real_. Before she realized what was going on, Tommy had leaned down and pressed his lips onto hers. Underneath the stars, music playing softly in the background, Tommy kissed her with something she had never felt before…the feeling was electrifying. Sincere. Loving.

"Today, I knew I needed to talk to you, to Kimi, but I didn't know what I was going to say." He broke the kiss, his words so soft, "My grandma told me to always follow my heart in whatever I did. I can't help myself, Lil. It's something about you…I don't know if it's because of what we been through or what I did, but I'm so drawn to you now. I mean, I'm not saying we should jump into anything or that you should forgive me, but tonight…I'll probably remember this forever."

Suddenly it was there, a fullness that was foreign to Lil. Deep down inside, the emptiness was gone and replaced by an understanding and clarity that was unimaginable. She wanted so much more to seal his lips with hers, be swept away into his arms and disappear into the night. But this, she could be content with.

"Dance with me, Tommy," Lil replied. She grabbed him by his hand and pulled him toward the dance floor that was finally empty, as if meant to be for just the two of them. The slow, soulful melody of the radio was enchanting and Tommy wrapped Lil back up in his arms comfortably.

They didn't know what they were doing. They didn't know what the future held for them, if it held anything at all. All they knew was that at this moment, at this time, their hearts were bringing them together.

This was meant to be.

_End._


End file.
